This node was occasioned by remarks by William F. Buckley, Jr. in his Blackford Oakes series. He points out that while the majority of unmarried people in the postwar era didn't have sexual intercourse, they were more than skilful at what he called "the caress" : mutual masturbation, or what was otherwise called "heavy petting" (the term, somehow, fails to turn me on). Oral sex was considered a perversion: you engaged in that only after you were comfortable fucking. Nowadays, it's different: most girls give blow jobs to boys before they even have a clue as to what they would like themselves. Giving a man a handjob is easy: the thumb-and-forefinger grip and rhythm are de rigueur for any experienced lady. However, female handjobs aren't quite that logical, or even predictable, and the ideas below are merely suggestions, culled from years of experience, much research, and more than a few interviews. Your Mileage May Vary.

This node was originally entitled "How to give a woman a handjob". However, bad press by several persons (plus overwhelming popular demand) has forced me to retitle the node several times. However, not having it around is worse than the retraction, apparently, so I present without further ado...

(By a woman for men....take notes, guys...)

First, it's a lot easier to do a good, or passable, hand job on a woman than even a bad blow job. Lots of guys I know seem to think that cunnilingus is some kind of magic: simply by announcing they're willing to do it and zeroing in narrowly on the clitoris will make a woman writhe and scream in ecstasy and conduce them to doing Whatever The Man Wants. Well, most times I'm screaming, but it's more out of rank overstimulation than pleasure. "If the guy only knew how to give a hand job", I'm thinking...Also, for the man, it's a great way to get to know their way around a woman without the distraction of their own stimulation. If either one of you is just not in the mood for fucking (heck, it could happen) a good handjob can be very soothing. If she's a little ill, you can give her a little rub in bed... a real treat!

Two words: pistol grip. Then straighten your thumb. The thumb is for the clitoris, the middle two fingers, if straightened, can explore the vagina, the remaining two (especially the pinky) are for the anus (should you be both so inclined). Your hands should be clean and your nails trimmed; a bit of hand cream should help, too. Apply Astroglide or other lubricant (to your hand) liberally.

Clitorally, you should, in the words of Frank Zappa "apply some rotation to her sugar / plum". You'll know where that is, it's in the arch formed by the labia. Getting right smack dab on the head isn't as important as a general sense of where it is -- experiment with up-and-down, side-to side, and other movements. When you're both comfortable with that, you might want to try the clitoral shaft, a little-known bit just below the clitoris -- it's quite exciting to feel the tiny cylinder of flesh (it's just like a bitty baby cock, guys!) right under the skin.

Don't be concerned with the G-spot right now: some women have it ready to hand, some don't (like me). Relax, it's not a contest, you're pleasuring a woman, not on trial for impotence. Mostly, keep the focus on the outside of the woman. The vaginal walls aren't all that sensitive, sad to say, though you might imagine a woman feeling you in the same way you feel her, it just ain't going to happen. Otherwise, the petal-on-petal texture is more than sufficiently interesting. Get to know the vagina and its various moods -- on occasion, it can be dry, moist, wet, budding, blossoming, blooming, and fading.

At the bottom of the silk purse is a hard little treasure -- the portal of her womb. This IS sensitive -- in fact, it's the uterus, and its contractions, that really rule the show! Some women are very sensitive to cervical manipulation, some aren't. Work on her nipples (with your free hand) will stimulate contractions also (it's a reflex that has to do with nursing, birth, and all that...). As she gets more excited, it's common to have the last third of the vagina expand, to make room for the penis and various secretions.

I mentioned anal stimulation before. Do be gentle...you're better off with little teases of the area than going in for the Big Plunge here. The anal sphincter goes on for a longer way than you think (it's like Sansabelt waistbands) but if you're both ready for it, why not?

The second you feel or see her get rigid, torque it back a bit....you'll soon learn to distinguish between it and real pleasure. Orgasm isn't always the way it is in the movies: some women flush, sweat, and moan, others merely close their eyes. In terms of giving a hand job, it's no secret when it happens: your fingers can often feel the contractions. Depending on your joint mood, you can either enter afterwards (it's goooood to have a cock slide in there right then), or lift her shoulders for a great big finale kiss! She'll be sooooo grateful.....

Um....no.

The above writeup should be entitled: How to give teleny a handjob. And I think it portrays the problem with women giving men guidelines on how to pleasure women. I've been having this discussion with my roommate for a while now. Women always seem to think that because they are women, they know how women want to be treated. Horse manure and poppycock! Every woman knows what she enjoys. And that's it. Unless she's a lesbian. (But let's not go there, not here, at least).

How should I put it, teleny? (And please don't take offense if it seems like I'm attacking you. I am, of course, but it's not personal. It's against all women who think they know what all other women like). All you know is how one woman likes it (you), (and what you've talked about with your female friends). I know how all the women I've given handjobs to like it, (and what I've talked about with my female friends). Which probably means that I (being a man) actually have more experience than you (being a woman) on this topic.

Now I may or may not have given handjobs to more than 270 women. And I may or may not have heard the phrase "Could you take your fingers out, it's a bit uncomfortable," and I may or may not have had women scorn at the idea of lubricant (are you disgusted to use saliva?). I may or may not have given handjobs to women unable to orgasm with fingers inside their vagina and I may or may not have given handjobs to women unable to orgasm without fingers inside.

The innermost third does not necessarily open up to accommodate Mr. Cock, et al.

Working the nipples may simply annoy the flying jibberoons out of her (assuming she has flying jibberoons). It does not necessarily help contractions.

And she will not necessarily perceptibly contract when she comes.

I hate to get all Pop Sexology on your ass, but everybody is different. No two women are the same. And if you follow the above guidelines, you might very well be disappointed or surprised. So figure out what your woman likes and do that.

As I'm already on the subject, I might as well share some of my limited wisdom on the subject, for real beginners. Some you might want to try, and some might be a bad ideas:

You might want to try:
  • Mixing in cunnilingus. It is the easiest form (i.e. does not require preparation) of lubrication, and usually also arouses.

  • Different movements on the clitoris - I once read in a women's magazine (I was in a doctor's waiting room, don't take the mickey), that a woman was really tired of her husband's monotonous motions. You may want to vary your movements. On the other hand (no pun intended), I may or may not have had a woman ask me, "Could you please make up your mind?" And she may have meant that she needed monotonous motions to come. As they say: different strokes for different folks.

  • Vaginal and/or anal stimulation. I'm not even going to start to list the options. Suffice to say each woman is a totally different story.

  • You might want to try different parts of your hand, for different effects. The thumb feels different from the finger, which feels different from the base of the palm. You have different control over each, they cover different surface areas, etc.

  • You'll probably want to pick up the rhythm from the woman. If your lucky, once she's excited, she'll sway with the rhythm she wants (her "resonant frequency"). Latch on to that. Resonant frequencies are cool. Hopefully, it will have the same effect as resonant frequencies in nature.

  • Clitoral pressure which causes pleasure or pain varies vastly between women. Some women want you to flicker over it lightly, like a feather, other will want you to bulldoze it. Don't be fixated on one type of stimulation just because it was good for your last girlfriend.

These might be bad ideas:
  • Attacking the clitoris. It's very sensitive, usually. As Monty Python said, "What about a little kiss? Hmm? Boy." This is especially true for an unlubricated clitoris.

  • Attacking (or maybe even touching) the area between the clitoris and vagina. Especially unlubricated. For some women it is like rubbing them with sandpaper.

  • Attacking in general. If this is your first handjob, and you're following teleny's advice, you'll probably get your partner really fucking nervous with all the vaginal and anal probing. If you even touch a woman's ass she might curl up like a hedgehog. Better to be too gentle than too rough.

All that done and said, teleny's writeup is well written and informative to the point that you realise it is just one woman's perspective. While mine may or may not be 270 women's perspectives. I don't mean to totally diss teleny's w/u, just to point out what's wrong with it. But this women who think they know what pleases all women phenomenon has gone too far. And don't misunderstand me - the men who think they know what pleases all men phenomenon has gone just as far, and it's just as annoying, but that's a topic for another node.

I definitely agree with what Footprints has to say about people being different, and on some of the specifics of what may differ...

(And here's another) However..

"And she will not necessarily contract when she comes."

Yes, she will; everyone (with normal anatomy) has muscular contractions when they have an orgasm. It is part of the biological definition of an orgasm; it is a necessary condition to define something as an orgasm. If she's a-moanin' and a-groanin' but isn't contracting, she may be having a good time but not actually coming, or she might be faking an orgasm. I'm not going to say everyone has contractions in the same way, but, barring major physiological differences, it's pretty darn close.

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