A special power that everyone has, whether they know it or not. Your Kung-Fu Grip is most likely accessed by a large round button on your back, although some people also have ripcords or something. If you have a lever on your back, you probably have a variation called kung-fu chop. While kung-fu chop can be useful when encountering a small group of enemies, its lack of defensive force makes it pratically useless in a real life application.

Benefits of a Kung-Fu Grip

Many people would contend that a Kung-Fu Grip is useless. It lacks the awe-inducing might of a laser cannon and the obvious transportational benefits of telekinetic flight. However, I myself have discovered many practical applications for my Kung-Fu Grip:

  • In high-tension dinner situations, Kung-Fu Grip is especially useful in retaining control of chopsticks.
  • The Kung-Fu grip is very useful when grabbing the pebble from the master's hand.
  • "Nothing can resist my kung-fu grip" is a really cool pick-up line.
  • If some arseface grabs the last beer at a BBQ, a kung-fu grip is a nice way to toss 'em around and show 'em you mean business.
  • There are some nights when a Kung-Fu Grip is even better than Rosie.

Dangers of a Kung-Fu Grip

With minor power comes minor responsibility. The Kung-Fu Grip is no exception from this rule. Under no circumstances should a Kung-Fu Grip be used for evil, no matter how great the temptation.

Remember, your Grip is your friend. Don't grip irresponsibly. Grip only for the greater good. Don't Grip where prohibited, excluding any instances where there is a live studio audience. Sorry, no C.O.D.'s.

Uhm, wait... I'm sorry... where am I?

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