Today, I was walking out of my chemistry lab, and I realised that I was happy.
It feels kind of strange to have to think about your emotions like that. I was just walking up the stairs next to one of the lecture theatres, and I felt kind of weird, so I stopped to think about it. And my brain was telling me "You are happy. For the love of God, do not question it this time."
I'm not depressed. Unless I'm undiagnosed, I don't have clinical depression or bipolar disorder or any kind of mental disorder that would explain why it feels so unfamiliar to be happy.
But I have a lot of things to be happy about. I'm healthy. It's nearly time for mid-semester break. I submitted two assignments in the last three days. I'm getting closer to finishing off my first year in Hell. I've got a roof over my head, and food to eat, and people who care about me who live in this strange city I've dragged myself to.
I'm going home in two days.
Even though I've started to refer to my room here at the hostel as 'home', it's mostly just for simplicity. Home will be, for a long time, the house that I grew up in. I'll be there for two days, then I'm going to my aunt's house to help mark lambs. My aunt's house is so familiar it's almost like being home, except it's bigger and quieter and the overly-vocal cat who resides there is a male Burmese and not a female tabby.
Being here, in this city, it's like I'm washed out. I walk, I talk, I go to university and I bitch about the professors. But whenever I go home, I remember what it's like being surrounded by people who love you unconditionally and will give you a hug if you need it. I remember what it's like having my damn cat hog the covers. I remember what it's like eating decent food and not whatever I can be bothered to throw together after nine hours of classes.
Back in the city, I remember all this, but now it's all gone and I have to fend for myself again. It hurts. It takes a few days for me to get my head back together. Each time it hurts a little less.
Today, I am happy. Tomorrow, I probably won't be. On Friday, I am going home after classes. I get to see my father, and go on a road trip singing stupid songs from the 80s all the way along the road and talking about books.
I can't wait.