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Driving in South Florida (idea)
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by
sekicho
Fri Mar 14 2003 at 4:10:28
A PRIMER.
There are no rules.
Dave Barry
made the observation that in
Miami
, drivers follow the rules of their respective countries of origin. If you come from a place where people always use their
turn signal
s for changing lanes and keep at the
speed limit
, you'll be quite surprised the first time you come to South Florida and see twenty-year-old Chevrolets with seven passengers doing figure-eights on the
Palmetto Expressway
at 90 miles an hour. You'll get used to it, hopefully.
Rush hour will kill you... probably from old age.
It's usually best not to get on any
expressway
s between 8 and 9 AM, and if you try to use
Interstate 95
during this period, you deserve all the fumes and
palpitation
s you get from the experience. Checking radio traffic reports for accidents is a
waste of time
, because there is always at least one accident on every freeway every morning. Your best bet is to keep off the highways until 9:30 or so.
Old age rules from November to March.
Come during the
winter
, and you'll quickly be surrounded by four-foot
Yoda
lookalikes (who couldn't see the signature line on their driver's licenses) driving
Nimitz
-class
Buick
s at two miles an hour down the left lane of
Interstate 595
, keeping careful formation to ensure that nobody on the freeway can exceed the average land speed of a
blue whale
.
Sidewinder
s come in useful here.
Though the light tells you to, it's not best to stop.
I think
Dr. Dre
originally said this about
the slums of LA
, but the same rule applies to all streets in Miami proper more than seven blocks away from the city center, and especially to
Overtown
,
Liberty City
, and the other
crack
-and-
shoelace
s antitheses to
South Beach
. If you see a red light, look around to make sure nobody's coming, then
haul ass
. Pretend it's a stop sign, pretend you're being chased, and you should come out alive.
If you have an out-of-state license plate, a firearm is a good idea.
A few years ago
,
German tourists
were being shot in Miami while driving their
rental car
s with out-of-state plates. This isn't a major problem nowadays, but I still recommend you have a weapon in case someone like me sees you on the road and assumes you're a doddering 70-year-old based on your
Quebec
plate. ("
Souviens
this, motherfucker!")
Have
quarter
s.
We have
toll
s in Miami, and they can sneak up on you. If you don't smoke, throw a few
Washington
s in the
ashtray
. If you do smoke, be sure to
wash your hands
afterwards.
South Beach
? Ha! Ha-ha!
Don't attempt to drive here. Please.
You're wasting your time and mine
. Once you're about a mile away from the club district, it's far more productive to just park and finish your journey on a
skateboard
.
When the first
rain
falls, be prepared to
curse
.
Nobody in South Florida can drive in the rain. They all slow down to five miles an hour, turn on their
hazard flasher
s, and clam up. They will
piss
you off, and you will curse at them. Don't worry: it's fun, and it's good
cardiovascular exercise
.
Know the
HOV
. Respect the HOV.
The HOV is the left lane on I-95, denoted by a
diamond
. It's for cars with two or more people. If you drive in it during
rush hour
, and you're the only person in the car, a
piggy
will pull you over and give you a
piggy slip
. Some people have attempted to outwit the piggies by putting
mannequin
s in their cars, but
the piggies have gotten smarter
, bless their cold widdle hearts.
Be prepared for anything.
Miami today is what
New York City
was ten years ago. Anything goes, and nobody's mature enough to restrain themselves properly.
Stay sharp
, and you won't get
beaten
,
maimed
, or
rear-ended for insurance purposes
.
An Open Letter to the Motorists of Oregon
ABC's of driving in Miami
The Everything People Registry : United States : Florida
Je me souviens
Liberty City
Miami, Florida
South Beach
How to make a left turn in LA
Florida's Turnpike
Los Angeles, California
USS Nimitz
Driving in Europe: A guide for Yanks
Outrun a speeding train
insurance fraud
Mannequin
HOV Lane
Yoda
A guide to nightlife in South Florida
ashtray
Nova Southeastern University
Spicy Tomato Sauce
In Da Club
E2 Link and Logger Client
Interstate 595