I've been so stable lately it's beginning to scare me.

A friend of mine from high school flew into town today, he's been gone for 2 years in the U.S. Army. We actually "dated" in high school, but it was one of those silly relationships where you don't even hold hands. Later, though, just before he left for the Army, actually, we started really dating for a while and did the whole sex thing. Which was weird in itself because I've known him so long as simply friends. I broke it off mainly because I had done it for the wrong reasons and he left.

So I saw him tonight and he's really changed. I remember when I first knew him we'd talk on the phone for hours on end about everything or nothing and there were so many depths to him I found amazing. Things went sour, because of me as usual, and he changed on me. I never saw those depths of him again. He covered it with goofiness, being the clown. Sometimes I wondered if it was even there.

I found out it was tonight. It shocked me. He wasn't so goofy - a total contrast I was shocked to silence. We talked as we once did long ago in a world very unlike the one now. He told me I was his first love and still his only love, and that it hurt him because I never loved him back. And he's right. I never did. It's just weird, you know, that I never knew.