Seeing as I've got nowhere else to rant and ramble about my ponderings, I'll declare it in my daylog. I will however talk about my rather banal
Hmmmm...well today is Yom Kippur and one of my friends was "observing" it. I'm quite proud of him (even though I have no reason to be), because he felt like wavering, but he did not.
I love that guy. I always feel bad for not being able to offer him anything or help him in return. Ugh. I guess I'm also saying this, because I think he'll probably be reading this.
Anyways, a few things in my mind. Everyday (including this one) lately, I've been feeling that I've no goal in life. I exist for the pleasure of others. Life is all about pain. Happiness is but a falsifying dream. I'm at school, I'm doing well in the Mickey Mouse classes and the hard ones like Computer Science, not too well. That's really getting me down lately. How all my life (well so far), I thought that Computer Science would be My thing, but it isn't. Ugh...
I've also come to accept that I'm ugly. I used to think (and I think this is my kiddie thinking) that because everybody had a girlfriend, that I would one day get one...and even when I knew that I wouldn't be able to get one, I showered myself with wishful thinking. Now, I'm convinced that I will shut down from all outside communication and suppress my hormones.
Man, suppression is what my life is all about. Suppressing anger, so others might be happy. Suppressing one's own wishes, so others might be happy. Suppressing one's emotions, so others might not be frightened by my bestial appeareance (I say bestial, because I want to be bestial).
And there are my friends. Some of them not caring for their families, drinking and smoking weed everyday. I could be like them. I was like them.
Today, my dad sprained his ankle and I had to take care of him. I love my dad very much, but for some reason I don't like to show it. It's a matter of manhood I guess. I spent almost all day trying to figure out this postfix program I have to make for Wednesday. I just bloody started to code! Ugh. Luckily tomorrow I only have an English and French class. No problemo.
I also watched Trainspotting today. I love Bigbie.