Okay, first they bump "Frasier" back an hour so I miss it, and then they stick this in the middle of my evening instead. When is the Executive Branch going to buy their own damn network so they can stop interrupting mine?
On the other hand, that guy in front looks an awful lot like Will Ferrell's character off of "Saturday Night Live." Maybe this'll be good for a few laughs after all....
Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow citizens,
as we gather tonight, our nation is at war, our economy is in recession and the civilized world faces unprecedented dangers. Yet the state of our union has never been stronger. (APPLAUSE)
We last met in an hour of shock and suffering. In four short months, our nation has comforted the victims, begun to rebuild New York and the Pentagon, rallied a great coalition, captured, arrested and rid the world of thousands of terrorists, destroyed Afghanistan's terrorist training camps, saved a people from starvation and freed a country from brutal oppression. (APPLAUSE)
All that and he still can't chew a prezel before swallowing, amazing.
The American flag flies again over our embassy in Kabul. Terrorists who once occupied Afghanistan now occupy cells at Guantanamo Bay. And terrorist leaders who urged followers to sacrifice their lives are running for their own.
America and Afghanistan are now allies against terror. We will be partners in rebuilding that country. And this evening we welcome the distinguished interim leader of a liberated Afghanistan: Chairman Hamid Karzai.
Look! It's Ben Kingsley!
The last time we met in this chamber, the mothers and daughters of Afghanistan were captives in their own homes, forbidden from working or going to school.
Or buying alcohol while underage.
Today women are free, and are part of Afghanistan's new government. And we welcome the new minister of women's affairs, Dr. Sima Samar.
...played today by Janet Reno, thank you very much.
Our progress is a tribute to the spirit of the Afghan people, to the resolve of our coalition and to the might of the United States military. (APPLAUSE)
When I called our troops into action, I did so with complete confidence in their courage and skill. And tonight, thanks to them, we are winning the war on terror.
Geez, like the military doesn't vote for the Republicans anyways?
The men and women of our armed forces have delivered a message now clear to every enemy of the United States:
We're proud to wear funny hats!
Even 7,000 miles away, across oceans and continents, on mountaintops and in caves
...not in a box, not with a fox, not in a plane, not on a train...
you will not escape the justice of this nation. (APPLAUSE)
The press will find you, and Judge Judy will make you fellas sorry.
For many Americans, these four months have brought sorrow and pain that will never completely go away. Every day a retired firefighter returns to Ground Zero to feel closer to his two sons who died there. At a memorial in New York, a little boy left his football with a note for his lost father: "Dear Daddy, please take this to Heaven. I don't want to play football until I can play with you again someday." Last month, at the grave of her husband, Micheal, a CIA officer and Marine who died in Mazar-e Sharif, Shannon Spann said these words of farewell: "Semper fi, my love." Shannon is with us tonight.(APPLAUSE)
Any resemblance to Monica Lewinsky is, we assure you, purely coincidental.
Shannon, I assure you and all who have lost a loved one that our cause is just, and our country will never forget the debt we owe Micheal and all who gave their lives for freedom.
Our cause is just,
You just said that.
and it continues. Our discoveries in Afghanistan confirmed our worst fears and showed us the true scope of the task ahead. We have seen the depth of our enemies' hatred in videos where they laugh about the loss of innocent life.
Oh, come on, they're allowed to enjoy "Quest for the Holy Grail" as much as the rest of us.
And the depth of their hatred is equaled by the madness of the destruction they design. We have found diagrams of American nuclear power plants and public water facilities, detailed instructions for making chemical weapons, surveillance maps of American cities, and thorough descriptions of landmarks in America and throughout the world.
When aerial maps are outlawed, only outlaws will own aerial maps.
What we have found in Afghanistan confirms that, far from ending there, our war against terror is only beginning. Most of the 19 men who hijacked planes on September the 11th were trained in Afghanistan's camps. And so were tens of thousands of others. Thousands of dangerous killers, schooled in the methods of murder, often supported by outlaw regimes, are now spread throughout the world like ticking time bombs, set to go off without warning.
Kinda like the NRA, but without the lobbying power.
Thanks to the work of our law enforcement officials and coalition partners, hundreds of terrorists have been arrested, yet tens of thousands of trained terrorists are still at large. These enemies view the entire world as a battlefield,
Game of Risk, anyone?
and we must pursue them wherever they are. (APPLAUSE) So long as training camps operate, so long as nations harbor terrorists, freedom is at risk and America and our allies must not, and will not, allow it.
Right, allies? ...Allies?
Our nation will continue to be steadfast, and patient and persistent in the pursuit of two great objectives. First, we will shut down terrorist camps, disrupt terrorist plans and bring terrorists to justice. And second, we must prevent the terrorists and regimes who seek chemical, biological or nuclear weapons from threatening the United States and the world. (APPLAUSE)
I just knew he was going to say "nukular."
Our military has put the terror training camps of Afghanistan out of business,
Enron was a terror training camp?
yet camps still exist in at least a dozen countries. A terrorist underworld -- including groups like Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad and Jaish-i-Mohammed -- operates in remote jungles and deserts, and hides in the centers of large cities.
They're in your towns, your homes, your drinking water, your secret stash of Twinkies....
While the most visible military action is in Afghanistan, America is acting elsewhere.
It's not the best acting, but the early reviews are favorable.
We now have troops in the Philippines helping to train that country's armed forces to go after terrorist cells that have executed an American and still hold hostages. Our soldiers, working with the Bosnian government, seized terrorists who were plotting to bomb our embassy. Our Navy is patrolling the coast of Africa to block the shipment of weapons and the establishment of terrorist camps in Somalia.
My hope is that all nations will heed our call and eliminate the terrorist parasites who threaten their countries and our own.
Except for the CIA. Please don't shoot them.
Many nations are acting forcefully. Pakistan is now cracking down on terror, and I admire the strong leadership of President Musharraf. (APPLAUSE) But some governments will be timid in the face of terror. And make no mistake about it: If they do not act, America will.
Classic bad parenting. You'll never get them to do it on their own that way.
Our second goal is to prevent regimes that sponsor terror from threatening America or our friends and allies with weapons of mass destruction.
Non-terror-sponsoring regimes are free to build nukes at their leisure.
Some of these regimes have been pretty quiet since September 11, but we know their true nature. North Korea is a regime arming with missiles and weapons of mass destruction, while starving its citizens.
And a terrible role model they've been for Los Angeles, too.
Iran aggressively pursues these weapons and exports terror, while an unelected few repress the Iranian people's hope for freedom.
Iraq continues to flaunt its hostility toward America and to support terror. The Iraqi regime has plotted to develop anthrax and nerve gas and nuclear weapons for over a decade.
And then Osama beat them to it, what a blow to the ego....
This is a regime that has already used poison gas to murder thousands of its own citizens, leaving the bodies of mothers huddled over their dead children. This is a regime that agreed to international inspections then kicked out the inspectors. This is a regime that has something to hide from the civilized world.
Gee, you think?
States like these, and their terrorist allies, constitute an axis of evil, arming to threaten the peace of the world. By seeking weapons of mass destruction, these regimes pose a grave and growing danger. They could provide these arms to terrorists, giving them the means to match their hatred. They could attack our allies or attempt to blackmail the United States.
You can't blackmail someone who's broke, you know.
In any of these cases, the price of indifference would be catastrophic.
We will work closely with our coalition to deny terrorists and their state sponsors the materials, technology and expertise to make and deliver weapons of mass destruction.
Net Nanny, right?
We will develop and deploy effective missile defenses to protect America and our allies from sudden attack. (APPLAUSE)
Missile defenses work against occupied 747s?
And all nations should know: America will do what is necessary to ensure our nation's security.
We'll be deliberate, yet time is not on our side. I will not wait on events while dangers gather.
After all, it's only two years till the next election.
I will not stand by as peril draws closer and closer. The United States of America will not permit the world's most dangerous regimes to threaten us with the world's most destructive weapons. (APPLAUSE)
That's our job, dammit!
Our war on terror is well begun, but it is only begun. This campaign may not be finished on our watch, yet it must be and it will be waged on our watch.
We can't stop short.
My wife hates that.
If we stopped now, leaving terror camps intact and terror states unchecked, our sense of security would be false and temporary. History has called America and our allies to action, and it is both our responsibility and our privilege to fight freedom's fight.
Fowr first friorify fust... fait a fecond... *pfft* sorry.
Our first priority must always be the security of our nation, and that will be reflected in the budget I send to Congress. My budget supports three great goals for America: We will win this war,
we will protect our homeland,
spend more money,
and we will revive our economy.
spend all of your money.
September 11 brought out the best in America and the best in this Congress, and I join the American people in applauding your unity and resolve. (APPLAUSE)
Hey, you're not joining them.
Now Americans deserve to have this same spirit directed toward addressing problems here at home.
You're going to resign?
I am a proud member of my party.
Yet as we act to win the war, protect our people and create jobs in America, we must act first and foremost not as Republicans, not as Democrats, but as Americans. (APPLAUSE)
On that note, I'd like to announce that the Republicans are changing their name to the American Party....
It costs a lot to fight this war. We have spent more than a billion dollars a month -- over $30 million a day -- and we must be prepared for future operations.
Good thing they take American Express!
Afghanistan proved that expensive precision weapons defeat the enemy and spare innocent lives,
A remarkable first...
and we need more of them. We need to replace aging aircraft and make our military more agile to put our troops anywhere in the world quickly and safely.
Our men and women in uniform deserve the best weapons, the best equipment and the best training and they also deserve another pay raise.
Geez, they're voting for you anyways, man!
My budget includes the largest increase in defense spending in two decades, because while the price of freedom and security is high, it is never too high. Whatever it costs to defend our country, we will pay.
We're awfully plural all of a sudden, aren't we?
The next priority of my budget is to do everything possible to protect our citizens and strengthen our nation against the ongoing threat of another attack.
Time and distance from the events of September the 11th will not make us safer unless we act on its lessons. America is no longer protected by vast oceans.
I knew we couldn't trust those Canadians, they're too shifty.
We are protected from attack only by vigorous action abroad and increased vigilance at home.
My budget nearly doubles funding for a sustained strategy of homeland security, focused on four key areas: bioterrorism; emergency response; airport and border security; and improved intelligence.
What's zero when doubled?... Yeah, that's what I thought.
We will develop vaccines to fight anthrax and other deadly diseases.
And let Pfizer keep the patents.
We'll increase funding to help states and communities train and equip our heroic police and firefighters.
I could've sworn the Republican Party stood for less federal involvement in local affairs....
We will improve intelligence collection and sharing,
By inventing the "Internet"....
expand patrols at our borders, strengthen the security of air travel, and use technology to track the arrivals and departures of visitors to the United States.
Using a sophisticated device called a "passport"....
Homeland security will make America not only stronger but in many ways better. Knowledge gained from bioterrorism research will improve public health. Stronger police and fire departments will mean safer neighborhoods. Stricter border enforcement will help combat illegal drugs. (APPLAUSE)
Illegal drugs blow up buildings?
And as government works to better secure our homeland, America will continue to depend on the eyes and ears of alert citizens. A few days before Christmas, an airline flight attendant spotted a passenger lighting a match. The crew and passengers quickly subdued the man, who had been trained by al Qaeda and was armed with explosives.
Mind you, they didn't train him too well, the explosives didn't use fuses.
The people on that airplane were alert, and as a result likely saved nearly 200 lives. And tonight we welcome and thank flight attendants Hermis Mou...
C'mon, spit it out..
Moutardier and Christina Jones. (APPLAUSE)
I used to know a girl like that, last name was Pousquatanie, everyone finally gave up and just called her "Pucky."
Once we have funded our national security and our homeland security, the final great priority of my budget is
...paying down the deficit?
economic security for the American people. (APPLAUSE)
Well, it was worth hoping for.
To achieve these great national objectives -- to win the war, protect the homeland and revitalize our economy -- our budget will run a deficit that will be small and short term so long as Congress restrains spending and acts in a fiscally responsible way.
Three trillion dollars over the last thirty years is small and short term?
We have clear priorities, and we must act at home with the same purpose and resolve we have shown overseas. We will prevail in the war, and we will defeat this recession.
Good thing recessions are temporary anyways.
Americans who have lost their jobs need our help, and I support extending unemployment benefits and direct assistance for health care coverage. (APPLAUSE)
Pull the other one.
Yet American workers want more than unemployment checks. They want a steady paycheck. (APPLAUSE)
Whadayaknow, he actually pulled it.
When America works, America prospers, so my economic security plan can be summed up in one word:
jobs. (APPLAUSE) Good jobs begin with good schools, and here we've made a fine start. Republicans and Democrats worked together to achieve historic education reform so that no child is left behind. I was proud to work with members of both parties, Chairman John Boehner and Congressman George Miller, Senator Judd Gregg. (APPLAUSE)
And I was so proud of our work I even had nice things to say about my friend Ted Kennedy.
"He doesn't look quite as goofy close-up. Thank you."
I know the folks at the Crawford Coffee House couldn't believe I'd say such a thing, but our work on this bill shows what is possible if we set aside posturing and focus on results.
There's more to do. We need to prepare our children to read and succeed in school with improved Head Start and early childhood development programs. (APPLAUSE)
You parents just sit back, we'll take care of everything.
We must upgrade our teacher colleges and teacher training and launch a major recruiting drive with a great goal for America: a quality teacher in every classroom.
But no pay raises. That's just going too far.
Good jobs also depend on reliable and affordable energy.
Because... you can't write as well in the dark?
This Congress must act to encourage conservation, promote technology, build infrastructure, and it must act to increase energy production at home so America is less dependent on foreign oil.
Our boys at Texas A&M will have that cold fusion thing licked any day now.
Good jobs depend on expanded trade. Selling into new markets creates new jobs,
Or at least richer salesmen...
so I ask Congress to finally approve trade promotion authority.
Whatever that means.
On these two key issues, trade and energy, the House of Representatives has acted to create jobs and I urge the Senate to pass this legislation. (APPLAUSE)
Good jobs depend on sound tax policy.
So that's the problem.
Last year, some in this hall thought my tax relief plan was too small, some thought it was too big. But when those checks arrived in the mail, most Americans thought tax relief was just about right.
And so Goldi-bush enjoyed his porridge and lived happily ever after.
Congress listened to the people and responded by reducing tax rates, doubling the child credit and ending the death tax.
We ignored the marriage penalty because, well... moving on.
For the sake of long-term growth, and to help Americans plan for the future, let's make these tax cuts permanent. (APPLAUSE)
They can do things like that?
The way out of this recession, the way to create jobs,
...the way to get re-elected...
is to grow the economy by encouraging investment in factories and equipment, and by speeding up tax relief so people have more money to spend. For the sake of American workers, let's pass a stimulus package. (APPLAUSE)
I leave the details to my good friends in the tax lobbies.
Good jobs must be the aim of welfare reform. As we reauthorize these important reforms, we must always remember: The goal is to reduce dependency on government and offer every American the dignity of a job. (APPLAUSE)
Even Dick Cheney.
Americans know economic security can vanish in an instant without health security. I ask Congress to join me this year to enact a Patients' Bill of Rights (APPLAUSE)
to give uninsured workers credits to help buy health coverage, to approve an historic increase in spending for veterans' health
For the last time, they're already voting for you!
and to give seniors a sound and modern Medicare system that includes coverage for prescription drugs.
A good job should lead to security in retirement. I ask Congress to enact new safeguards for 401(k) and pension plans. (APPLAUSE)
You mean, like Social Security was supposed to be?
Employees who have worked hard and saved all their lives should not have to risk losing everything if their company fails.
To that end, we're outlawing stupidity.
Through stricter accounting standards and tougher disclosure requirements, corporate America must be made more accountable to employees and shareholders
...but not the IRS...
and held to the highest standards of conduct.
Retirement security also depends upon keeping the commitments of Social Security, and we will. We must make Social Security financially stable and allow personal retirement accounts for younger workers who choose them. (APPLAUSE)
I will demand that Congress allow me to have my cake and eat it, too.
Members, you and I will work together in the months ahead on other issues: productive farm policy, a cleaner environment,
There's a first.
broader home ownership, especially among minorities
He's still a Republican, right?
and ways to encourage the good work of charities and faith-based groups.
I ask you to join me on these important domestic issues in the same spirit of cooperation we have applied to our war against terrorism. (APPLAUSE)
Lots of flag-waving, lots of editorials, and don't worry, we'll send you the bill later.
During these last few months, I've been humbled and privileged to see the true character of this country in a time of testing. Our enemies believed America was weak and materialistic,
that we would splinter in fear and selfishness. They were as wrong as they are evil. (APPLAUSE) The American people have responded magnificently, with courage and compassion, strength and resolve. As I have met the heroes, hugged the families and looked into the tired faces of rescuers, I have stood in awe of the American people.
"Gosh, there's sure a lot of them."
And I hope you will join me in expressing thanks to one American for the strength and calm and comfort she brings to our nation in crisis: our first lady, Laura Bush.
He forgot her birthday again, didn't he?
None of us would ever wish the evil that was done on September 11th, yet after America was attacked, it was as if our entire country looked into a mirror and saw our better selves. We were reminded that we are citizens, with obligations to each other, to our country and to history. We began to think less of the goods we can accumulate and more about the good we can do.
At least until the Christmas season.
For too long our culture has said, "If it feels good, do it." Now America is embracing a new ethic and a new creed: "Let's roll."
In the sacrifice of soldiers, the fierce brotherhood of firefighters, and the bravery and generosity of ordinary citizens, we have glimpsed what a new culture of responsibility could look like.
It scared me....
We want to be a nation that serves goals larger than self. We have been offered a unique opportunity, and we must not let this moment pass.
Call now! Operators are standing by!
My call tonight is for every American to commit at least two years, 4,000 hours over the rest of your lifetime, to the service of your neighbors and your nation.
It's called a "draft," Bush.
Many are already serving and I thank you. If you aren't sure how to help, I've got a good place to start.
My re-election campaign.
To sustain and extend the best that has emerged in America, I invite you to join the new USA Freedom Corps.
The Freedom Corps will focus on three areas of need: responding in case of crisis at home, rebuilding our communities, and extending American compassion throughout the world. One purpose of the USA Freedom Corps will be homeland security. America needs retired doctors and nurses who can be mobilized in major emergencies, volunteers to help police and fire departments, transportation and utility workers well-trained in spotting danger.
...engineers who can build AK-47s out of old pipes and paperclips, nuns and priests who can summon lightning down from the heavens with pinpoint accuracy....
Our country also needs citizens working to rebuild our communities. We need mentors to love children, especially children whose parents are in prison, and we need more talented teachers in troubled schools. USA Freedom Corps will expand and improve the good efforts of AmeriCorps and Senior Corps to recruit more than 200,000 new volunteers.
Competition is the heart of any healthy economy.
And America needs citizens to extend the compassion of our country to every part of the world. So we will renew the promise of the Peace Corps, double its volunteers over the next five years, (APPLAUSE) and ask it to join a new effort to encourage development, and education, and opportunity in the Islamic world.
If you can't beat 'em, brainwash 'em.
This time of adversity offers a unique moment of opportunity, a moment we must seize to change our culture. Through the gathering momentum of millions of acts of service and kindness and decency, I know: We can overcome evil with greater good.
And they can overcome that good with still greater evil! So we must summon even greater good! Um, and so on.
And we have a great opportunity during this time of war to lead the world toward the values that will bring lasting peace. All fathers and mothers, in all societies, want their children to be educated and live free from poverty and violence. No people on Earth yearn to be oppressed, or aspire to servitude, or eagerly await the midnight knock of the secret police.
And the winner of the "Master of the Obvious" award is....
If anyone doubts this, let them look to Afghanistan, where the Islamic "street" greeted the fall of tyranny with song and celebration. Let the skeptics look to Islam's own rich history -- with its centuries of learning, and tolerance, and progress.
They must have run out of all that stuff a few years back.
America will lead by defending liberty and justice because they are right and true and unchanging for all people everywhere. (APPLAUSE) No nation owns these aspirations, and no nation is exempt from them. We have no intention of imposing our culture,
but America will always stand firm for the non-negotiable demands of human dignity: the rule of law, limits on the power of the state, respect for women,
free speech, equal justice, and religious tolerance. (APPLAUSE)
America will take the side of brave men and women who advocate these values around the world, including the Islamic world, because we have a greater objective than eliminating threats and containing resentment.
We don't resent you, Bush, we... well... yeah, actually we do.
We seek a just and peaceful world beyond the war on terror.
In this moment of opportunity, a common danger is erasing old rivalries. America is working with Russia, China, and India in ways we never have before to achieve peace and prosperity. In every region, free markets and free trade and free societies are proving their power to lift lives.
Ain't money grand?
Together with friends and allies from Europe to Asia, from Africa to Latin America, we will demonstrate that the forces of terror cannot stop the momentum of freedom. (APPLAUSE)
The last time I spoke here, I expressed the hope that life would return to normal. In some ways, it has. In others, it never will.
In still others, it has a little, but not quite as much as the rest, although it's getting really, really close.
Those of us who have lived through these challenging times have been changed by them. We've come to know truths that we will never question: Evil is real, and it must be opposed. (APPLAUSE)
Beyond all differences of race or creed, we are one country, mourning together and facing danger together. Deep in the American character, there is honor, and it is stronger than cynicism. Many have discovered again that even in tragedy, especially in tragedy, God is near. (APPLAUSE)
Nyah, nyah, atheists suck!
In a single instant, we realized that this will be a decisive decade in the history of liberty -- that we have been called to a unique role in human events. Rarely has the world faced a choice more clear or consequential.
Our enemies send other people's children on missions of suicide and murder. They embrace tyranny and death as a cause and a creed. We stand for a different choice, made long ago, on the day of our founding. We affirm it again today. We choose freedom and the dignity of every life. (APPLAUSE)
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!
Steadfast in our purpose, we now press on. We have known freedom's price. We have shown freedom's power. And in this great conflict, my fellow Americans, we will see freedom's victory.
Thank you, thank you all, and may God bless.
Stay tuned for previews from next year's State of the Union address, "2003: Bush Still Can't Figure Out Basic Principles of Debt Reduction!" But first, a word from our sponsor....