I'm not a big one for cursing, but there are times when nothing less than a profane interjection will do, and this is one of those times.


It's 2 am the night before a big project is due at work. Having put it off all weekend, I feel every death of the thousand they say a coward dies, all pressing down on me. And here I am dying my thousand and first. There are times when eloquence ain't worth shit.

Fuck-ity, fuck-fuck, FUCK!

While I'm at it, I should probably ponder up some good reasons why I think this happened. It's the same problem I've had for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's fear of failure, maybe it's fear of success, maybe my parents didn't love me enough, maybe I learned from my Mom that authority figures would always say what I had done wasn't good enough so why bother trying, maybe I learned from my Dad that "I forgot" or "I didn't know" or "Nobody told me" or "I stayed up all night last night working on it" were perfectly acceptable justifications for broken promises, maybe I led a sheltered childhood where I didn't have to put up or shut up.

But I've tried all that before. Fuck maybe. Fuck blame. Fuck that whole victim mentality. I'm over eighteen and legally responsible for my own actions. This didn't happen to me, I chose it. And now I need to decide what I'm going to do about it. I'm scared shitless and I don't know why. Up until now, I let that fear control me, I let it keep me from coming anywhere near my limits, let alone actually testing them. I'm done with that. I'm through with failing because I was too afraid to try. I'm ready to fail as many times as it takes for me to figure out how to succeed, but I'm going to start failing in ways that I can learn from. I want to find my horizon and go over it.