So many lives here, and I love the way some of you live, not so much in lifestyle, but more in the way that you
observe and note
the smallest things.
Today my little brother turned
sixteen and I can't say he has changed tremendously at any given point but
wow, he is growing up and yet not at all. He is a boy of boys. So car-fire-girls-trouble and no one is surprised. Kids aren't the same, anymore, they just aren't.
Reliving last summer we decided to form our spying trio and
binoculars in hand we stumbled through darkness giggling and reminiscing and being positively sure they would hear us, their own trio, perched on the hill
around a blazing fire with a bottle of vodka. Rebellious but none of them can stand hard liquor anyway so mostly, more for us to chuckle at and we can make out a figure holding a bottle and wiping his face with his sleeve.
So little boy dripping popsicle.
Somehow they did not hear us and so we made it fairly close but stopped when we realized they were going to wander back. I was sitting curled up by the fence in not so tall grass and they walked within feet of me but still, they did not see my
white running shoes clashing with the night. We waited until we couldn't hear them and then made our way to the campfire,
sparklers in hand. We lit them and ran around, giggling slightly and being
so little girl. We heard them wandering back and so hid in the trees. They never seemed to come back to the fire and so we assumed they were gone again... a few minutes later, after deciding spying wasn't worth possible ticks or snakes, we crawled out of the trees and walked back to the house.
Laughing at them we joked about how they must be blind or deaf or just boys (as if
sex played any part in the oblivious nature of it all). And then we realized that despite not hearing any juicy boy gossip or catching them doing anything humorous, we had actually accomplished one thing... they had thought they'd started a
forest fire when we ran with our sparklers and they had run at least half a mile back to the camp site from the house after seeing it, thinking they'd put it out however they could. Of course, the sparklers had fizzled out quickly and were long gone before they made it back. We laughed. Oh how we laughed and congratulated ourselves on being possibly the best accidental tricksters around. And we are, we really, really are..
really.
I've been gathering myself, the little scattered pieces and trying to create order in the
chaos that fills my head so often. Sometimes I think I am doing a decent job, other times, I am broken. Still, content sighs of having accomplished something with our spy mission seem to make it all fade for a time.
I miss the city but I remember the things that kept me here for so long. Mostly, I miss you, and it is hard not to be at least a little sad knowing that this
cycle won't be complete for quite some time. You seem so far away tonight, so,
so far. Gathering myself and holding, holding and keeping everything as close as possible because
I am never sure how far the next fall will take me.