I've always been the observer. I always knew everyone through others, and through watching how they would act, listening to things they'd say not for my ears but for others. I always felt invisible. I didn't care, but in the end it left me knowing a lot of people and no one knowing me. I think that the rest of my life will be like this.

I can't believe that I'll ever stay in anyone's thoughts forever, I'll never be that important to anyone. I'll slip in and out of their mind perhaps, but I won't stay there, not for any length of time. I feel like I've a billion little humans in my head, I can't and never will forget them. A lot of them don't even know I exist (Or do I? Perhaps I'm just a starfruit that has taken on human form.). This may or may not be their fault. All I know is that I would love to be able to hate him, because I feel like this more than ever, that I will never remain an important part of anyone's life. Everyone will forget me, all the nice things they said will stick in my mind and make me cry because they were such utter bullshit.

He's different. I know he is.. and I believe what he says, probably too much so. I won't stop, I don't care to.. but it hurts and I cry sometimes just because I don't want to be what I am for the last person who loved me. (That is, not much at all, it would seem..)

This day has been odd. I sat in the back of my brother's vehicle with my best friend for about 3 hours just talking about anything and everything. It was good, and fun.. but the evening ended strangely and now I'm slipping into the night with feelings of confusion and.. I'm almost lost, but not quite. I can tell him anything, everything, he'd listen and he wouldn't jump to conclusions or judge me. I'd say I wish everyone were like that, but I don't.. I like that there is just one little human who could be what he is for me.

I need to water my plants and clean my room some time soon. Also send letters.. requires walking downtown. Will do. All is well in the world. I can't stay sad for any length of time anymore. This is good, because I don't love my sadness now.. it's more of a burden than anything.

I'm almost 19.. where did the years go? Oh well.. can't say that I have any real regrets.

I'll kiss you, one day.. I know I will, what a dreamy thought. Time for sleep.

E-mail tracy.. e-mail tracy.. (note to self.) heh