The Right To Free Speech

Congress shall enact no law to abridge my speech. However, if my speech is inflamatory, offensive, or otherwise unpopular they may allow a lesser body in the Judiciary branch to legislate it away with a nod and a wink.

The Right to Freedom of Religion

I shall have the right to choose my own religion and practice it forthwith in the United States, so long as that religion is an approved subsect of Christianity. If I happen to be Muslim, Buddhist, or Hindu, I shall expect my fellow Americans to taunt, mock, and misunderstand me.

The Right to Freedom of the Press

I shall expect the press to distract me with sensationalist nonsense so that I might have difficulty discovering real issues.

The Right to Keep and Bear Arms

The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, unless you're one of "those" people, or want to purchase the wrong sort of arms. The U.S. Government's inability to enforce existing laws will give me the right to see more unenforced laws enacted to legislate away the "gun problem."

The Right Against Unreasonable Search and Seizure

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, unless one is thought to be in violation of the RICO (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations) act, a motorist without a seatbelt, or otherwise one who upsets or angers a police officer or other official.

The Right to Freedom from Self-incrimination

I have the right to be silent to keep from incriminating myself in a court of law. I also have the right to be locked-up for said silence under "contempt of court" and losing my right to due-process, can be kept there indefinitely until I choose to revoke my silence.


In summary, I have the right to assume that all persons are created equal. Except, of course, for the ones that don't tow the mark. Or happen to be from somewhere else. Or have a different skin color. Or are female. Or think differently. Or subscribe to an unpopular political ideology. Or...