Feeling very sad right now, and not sure why. I guess the story I read this morning is still ringing in my head. I went to Gay Pride parade and festival yesterday in Washington, DC and also visited a gay bookstore and picked up a book. I think I also miss my best friend very much and am missing very much being able to communicate thoughts, feelings, without worrying about the content so much as I have to now. I can’t help but wonder what the next phase of our relationship will look like.
Listening and talking to my sponsor yesterday, I was reminded of what an intimate relationship looks and feels like. I am very grateful to her for being so specific about her troubles, because I realized how far I am from being able to manage being in one. I was also reminded how much baggage we all carry and how easy it is to get sucked into old ways of thinking and acting, even when we think we are healthy and the other perosn is too. I wonder how much of a friend I really am, and I think when I am feeling a little more “cohesive” and stable, I am going to study friendships in general and my friendships specifically to see if I am giving to my friends what I want from them. Maybe if I start with myself, move on to friendships, then maybe I will be able to determine what I want from an intimate relationship and what I want to give.
My art car is going very well – my best friend came over and helped me with it on Saturday for a few hours, then we had dinner. It felt so good to spend time in his company and just talk about stuff. I know that some day he will start dating again and I hope he will allow me to continue to be a big part of his life. I know that I always want him to be a big part of mine. I love him very much. It feels right to be friends, and not go together any more, but it also still feels strange when we go to hug. The physical chemistry will always, always be there. The pull to kiss him is there, probably always will be. It was before, when we were friends and he was with his fiance.
The book I bought yesterday is an anthology of stories written by lesbian and bisexual women about their “coming out”. I wish there were Warning Labels on each one, like Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics. I just opened the book and started at the beginning and read the first story, which I regretted; the theme was child neglect, abuse, and molestation. It’s a sad, bleak story about a little girl whose mother didn’t want her, who ignored her, who heaped tons of abuse on her, and who possibly took her to an orphanage to try and leave her there before she was six years old.
I recently met with my mother and told her of my diagnosis, which went very smoothly, but the neglect in my childhood is something I am still coming to terms with. Did it really happen? Is it really true? What was the true effect on me? When did I turn to my inner selves for solace? Why did I have so many very young alters? What would have happened to me if I didn’t split into pieces? Why am I so happy some days and so sad on others? Is this just normal life?