Good lord, what a day.

So, I stopped taking St. John’s Wort because of the risk of pregnancy. It can reduce the effectiveness of birth control pills, and I don’t want to be pregnant. Anyway, my clinical depression has come back to haunt me full force, and the stupid job shit that is going on here isn’t helping me much. I also have PMS.

Anyway, I came very close to total meltdown at work today. I’ve been using my health insurance’s website to find a psychiatrist, and they only listed two in the entire area that are covered. I called the one closest to me, and he was a knee doctor. The receptionist asked me what kind of problems I was having, and I said “depression and stress related”. She kindly explained that he was a knee doctor. She was very nice about it and said they get calls all the time, but I still felt like a total idiot. I hate my health insurance.

So, I called the insurance company directly, and got the numbers for two doctors close to me. One does not have an opening for three months. The other does not have an office open on Wednesdays, so I have to wait for a call back tomorrow. My counselor gave me some people to try, and one was my old shrink. I called him and he takes my insurance, but he has no openings until the end of next month. I’ll call the other two and see if I can get in to see someone without having to pay an arm and a leg.

I hate this. I’m cracking up inside and I need help, but nobody has any time for me. If I can’t see a specialist soon, I will call my regular doctor and get in to see her and hope she has some knowledge of depression and good drugs to treat it. I get the feeling though that I’ll be prescribed one of the Big Four (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and Wellbutrin) and she won’t know anything about the newer drugs with less side effects. Bah.

I had to deal with a really rude customer, and that totally set me off and right now I feel like I am going to crumble into tiny pieces. I think I might go home early. I feel like I’m going totally insane. I went out and walked around the building with Pete, and that helped a bit, but not really. I have to get out of this office. I have to find a new job NOW.

I forgot what its like to feel this crazy. The last time I had any kind of breakdown was in 1997, and I got through it because I finally was diagnosed with a medical problem. I’ve been able to control it with drugs and herbs, but now my herbs will make me pregnant. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I wish that 7up still had lithium in it. Then I could drink a few of those and feel better.

If you want some idea of how I feel, read zot-fot-piq’s description in the depression node. Its that bad, but I want to take the drugs so I don’t feel like this. I’m still able to function right now. Barely.

So I’m all worked up about this rude customer, and Phil tells me to shake it off. Shake it off. I wish I could! He just doesn’t get what’s inside my head, although we’ve kind of talked about it and I think he knows. You don’t truly know unless you feel it.

If it wasn’t for Alex, my wonderful boyfriend, I would probably be drooling in the mental ward by now. That’s how fucked up I feel lately.

I saw a negative vote on my day log yesterday. That hurt. What the hell is up with that? If you don’t like a node I write, then downvote it – fine. But downvoting a day log is really fucking low.

Nodes That I Wrote Today That I like:

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
Delerium – Morpheus
MuslimgauzeHand of Fatima

It won’t shut up it wants me dead god damn this noise inside my head.