You know, I've been doing some thinking lately, and like usual most of my thought cycles were devoted to video games. Then the other day it hit me. You see, despite the fact he's become a universally recognized pop culture icon, we really don't know much about Mario. We only recently found out his last name from that horrible movie. The only game to really tell us much about Mario's personality is Super Mario Brothers 2.

What does this game tell us about Mario that the others don't? Mario 2 is the only Mario with a twist at the end - a Dallas-esque it was all a dream. But wait a second - Mario Brothers 2 was the only one to have another gameplay feature. Multiple characters. You could play as Mario, Luigi, Toad, or Princess.

That's right. While I won't criticize Mario for dreaming he was a little half mushroom-half manwho picks up vegetables and throws them at an evil frog emperor, I have to question the sanity of a man who dreams he's a flying Princess who can pull rocket ships out of the ground. Freud would have a field day with this one.

But that's not all. Let's not forget about Ostro, the only cross dresser in the history of the Nintendo Entertainment System. Don't believe me? Check out the Super Mario Bros. 2 manual and check out bad guy #25, Ostro (also known as Birdo). And I quote from the holy scripture of Nintendo....

Ostro - He thinks he is a girl and he spits eggs from his mouth

There it is. Proof of Mario dreams he is a midget version of his brother beating up a cross dressing dinosaur creature by throwing the eggs he spits out back at him. All to get his magical ball.

I don't know if Super Mario Bros. 2 was meant to be open for a Freudian interpretation, and I'm not sure I care. By taking the universally respected Freudian theories, mentioning them by name and then making up my own version of what they are, I have proven Mario is either gay, nuttier then elephant dung, or both. And my High School English teachers said I'd never do anything.