Note: I've a feeling I'm going to regret this... but I don't think I can go any lower than this anyway... =(

Okay, the following was written in the middle of the night, but I don't feel depressed at the moment, as usual. I just wish to say something about E2 stuff again.

I'm again torturing myself about things that will fix themselves over time. I have not yet realized the old rule: "Everything Good Must Come Slowly (except for all of the other people - no, don't look at their direction, you might get ideas.)"

I have to say I've felt quite tortured recently, but somehow, I feel that this is the only way things are going to happen, no matter what I do. It's not necessarily nice, but ultimately, it just doesn't matter, even when it does leave a very bitter aftertaste.

To be honest, right now I feel like I had got to where I am in E2 by being a disrespectable being. But once I think of it, I start to feel like I'm... well, I've not been talked to.

My merit was way lower than average and got... uh, lot bigger but still way less (~5). Which just means that over these couple of years I have got up here by writing a whole lot of substandard rubbish, or what's perceved as such unless proven otherwise. Stuff people don't really value that much, or if they do, they don't vote for it at all. I'm not (supposedly) here because I'd have written good and respected things. I'm here because the ordinary limits said I was here.

But here's one thing that's very important to realize, actually: I couldn't get here any other way. I can cry about the mathematics being unfair to people with a lot of writeups, or it making me to feel myself inferior... but I have gotten here by doing things what I was bound to do.

People talked about punning myself or declining XP or nuking a lot of writeups or even creating a new account. No, I don't think so. I can't change. XP doesn't matter to me. It's the lack of writeup reputation I'm more concerned about. One or two +'s or -'s just don't tell me enough. They don't tell me whether it's good or bad. They don't tell me if it was worth the time. They don't tell me I exist.

I write a lot of stuff, but people don't tell me I have written a lot of stuff.

When there's a topic I need to write of, I write about it. It is one of my noding habits no one can change. No matter what the rules would have been around here, I'd still have zillions of writeups here. Admittedly, not all great and detailed. I also value conciseness myself. Research for E2 is also about the art of writing summaries. I like writing summaries because that's what probably helps other idiots like me who get scared when they see the 50-page essay someone noded from their homework.

I am here because I write.
I am not here because I'd love to torture the numbers.
The only reason, the only bad thing I always face everywhere I go, is that I don't get enough feedback. It is always the feedback that drives me crazy.

Let me tell you a bit about how I vote. I don't really care how long the writeups are, as long as they're informative enough. Take that into your judgement. I don't think that "hey, it's less than 2 kilobytes" is a reason to either downvote or completely abstain. If it's good, it's good, if it's really bad, it's really bad.

Please. In my very insignificant opinion short things can have substantial information too. Please vote accordingly.

"Mr. Webster, can you tell me what's Ralph?"

"It is a name sometimes given to the raven."

"Thank you. That was all I needed to know."

Ah, hell, I'm again ranting about something that's not useful enough...

Well, people sometimes say that E2 is dangerous to health and career and stuff, but I'm... these days... really concerned.

Regarding the above voting bit: Yes, I actually spend all my votes every day. (And in case you didn't realize it, it's a whole lot of votes per day.) And I at least skim through the text before voting on each writeup. So, I tend to use the right to vote. Do you?

Don't blame me if I sometimes seem to be under the influence of Coffee...

I have seen flame wars.

I've cried because of them.

There are other issues I'd like to tell of, but I'm tired, I've forgotten one thing I wanted to talk of, and there was one thing that also made me so unbelieveably sad but I can't really tell about. And I miss people. The last few hours have been unbelieveably lonely...