So I haven't noded in a while. I stopped because I found out that my girlfriend was reading the posts. I don't fault her at all, but I suppose it may have been the start of the downfall of us. There were some very private things posted on here, some about us, and she had read them all. Putting all of that behind, I do not fault her at all in that respect, but I do wish I would have explained everything more.

Let's put it this way, I'm just not happy now. It started about two months ago, when I decided that my graduate program wasn't for me. I was not enjoying classes and found out that I didn't really want to do what I was going to school for. It takes a special breed to be an Electrical Engineer, and I suppose it's not me. It was also about this time that my girlfriend and I were having problems and ended up breaking up. There were things that I did without knowing it that eventually led to this. I never took pride in my appearance, I was not socialable when I met her friends, and I sometimes make sarcastic remarks that can be hurtful (even though I was just joking). For the last month or so we were together we were distant, while I tried to ignore it and assume that maybe she was just going through a tough time. Sometimes I wonder if I would have brought it up sooner, that things would have been better. When I finally brought it up, we talked over a lot of things and I hoped that we could work through them. We spent that weekend together, and despite a little bit of fighting on that saturday evening, it was a good weekend. I really thought that things were good. That week, I was so overwhelmed with the things that I had done to her, that I poured my heart into an email and sent it to her apologizing for everything and hoping that we could work through it all. When we talked that evening, she did not bring it up, but said she was coming up the next day, but would stay with her friend. Although I was disappointed she didn't want to stay with me, I was more worried she wasn't willing to give me another chance.

A few minutes later she IMed me asking if I was mad she was staying with her friend. I said no, that only I was worried I screwed things up. We got into a very long and detailed conversation online, during which I realized that she wanted to break up with me. I asked to talk about it tommorow in person, but as I kept talking about it, she called me and we broke up over the phone. I was heart-broken and upset with myself. I still hold absolutely nothing against her. The things that I did and the ways in which I upset her are the fault of nobody but my own. I saw her the following Monday, and we went to get some food and beers. It was great, we had a good time, and it felt like when we were first dating. Part of me hoped that this would lead to us getting back together, but when I tried talking to her online, she was reserved. I gave her as much space as I could and clung to the possibility of us getting back together...but she never made an effort to talk to me. I really just wanted her to be happy, and if that means that we weren't together, then it was the best for her...but damnitt I miss her. It's been 5 or 6 weeks, and some days feel like I haven't gotten over her at all. I know that things are going great for her, and I don't want to ruin that, but there are a dozen things every day that remind me of her. I guess when you spend a year with somebody, that it takes a while to get over.

About two weeks ago, I talked to her online and told her how much I missed her, and how much perspective I've gained, but she is not willing to see me. I don't know how to explain how different I am, or how much I am willing to do for her. I guess that's why I started posting on here about us anyway, because I can understand my feelings much better if I write them out.

It's the most pathetic feeling in the world when you can't stop thinking about the girl that you still love, and there isn't a chance of you getting back together with her. If I could only have one more day with different it would be.

I used to never think about the past, but I really wish I would've made a lot different decisions in the past year. I would not have tried to come back to play another year of football, I would not have come back for grad school, I would not have gotten an apartment by myself, and most of all, I would have done anything for her.

I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past, but it's really hard for me because I have no good friends around anymore, I feel stuck in a program I don't like, I don't like my job, and my heart still hurts. Maybe I relied on having her around too much, I don't know. I have my good days and bad days...some days I think I can finish the next semester and get my degree, some days not...some days I think I'm over her, some days not. I appreciated being with her so much...

The good thing to come out of all of this is that I have figured out what I want to do with my career, and have accepted a really good job, that starts in June. I will not be using my Master's degree, but I still think it would be good to finish it, and that's why I try not to make decisions about school when I am on any particular end of my emotions. At least I will be on track in June. I'm only 22, and I guess it's good that I figured out a lot of things this early.

It's weird being back at the same school I went to as an undergraduate because I don't know everybody on campus anymore. These are the things I wished I would have realized a year ago. I never kenw how much I relied on having my good friends around all the time. Playing football allowed me to have a lot of friends and living with 8 people for two years made for a lot of good times. I hate talking to people about all of these things I am feeling now because I don't like putting my problems on somebody else. It's such a confusing time. I always liked staying "even keel"...meaning I never got too happy and I never got too upset. Maybe this is the territory that you get into when you grow up.

To you...I'm sorry. I don't want to take away from how happy you are now, but I miss talking to you. I miss hearing about your day...All I want to do is take you out to dinner or take you to a movie, if you could just find it within yourself to see me again. If you are reading this, then maybe a part of you misses me too...if not, just let me know every now and then how you are doing. I really hope things are going great for you and that you find what you're looking for...just don't keep everything inside all the's ok to talk to people about things that are bothering you...and that's all I want from you.