Pyro John

Denny's on the Dual Highway is the usual after-bar spot for people in Hagerstown. At least is seems that way. About 2am on a Friday night it's packed and you have to wait for a seat. Our group usually gets seated in one of three areas…and we always get the same waiter, Pyro John.

Pyro John is a tall, thin boy with long dark brown hair he usually has in a pony tail. He's also shaved the lower portion of his head, and sports a bit of a goatee these days. He displays a "I used to be a skateboarder and just don't want to give up the memories" kind of look.

I think it all started with the creamers.

Christa is a creamer fiend. She drinks her coffee black, and actually drinks the little creamers separately. Sometimes, just the creamers. We're always slipping extra's in our pockets when at a Sheetz or some other creamer friendly place for her. When we're at Denny's, she always asks for a pile.

John had attempted to show Christa how to properly drink her creamers. She just pulls the tab back and knocks them back like mini-shots. He told her to put the entire creamer between her molars and bite down. She did so, and promptly shot her now boyfriend in the face with creamer. She never attempted this feat again.

Now he automatically brings her piles of creamers. I believe the total number he brought her when last we visited the Denny's was around 45. And she drank them all, but not before she made the ultimate creamer tower out of them.

Then there was the time I ventured to Denny's with three friends, two who had not experienced John before.

We were eating our meals of choice, a grasshopper milkshake for me, when he pops over to the table. He immediately starts yelling at me for not eating the chocolate chunks at the bottom of the milkshake. The guys all looked at me, two with shock at his behavior and one with a smile. Brian laughed and said "I know isn't she wasteful?"

John continued to playfully yell at me for five or so more minutes before wandering off. Twenty minutes later he showed up again.

"Do you guys mind if I take a smoke break?"

We looked at him stunned for a few minutes...then said no and laughed. He went into a monologue about how he wanted to provide the best service to his customers and didn't want us to go without even a refill of our drinks while he was gone. That he'd be back as soon as he could.

Then he screamed "Slut!" across the restaurant and began telling us how this coworker of his was "a crazy bitch." He pointed her out as she walked by. She wouldn't look at us, but she was smiling too. Before we would leave that night he would try to get me to berate the girl publicly too.

After his break he earned his nickname. We had been talking about something bizarre, I believe it was this kid we'd gone to high school with who had been caught masturbating to a trash can he'd lit on fire. Yeah, interesting 3am subject. John then goes into his schpeal.

"I've set myself on fire...twice actually. I mean, I'm not one of those sickos that get off on it, but I do respect and love fire."

He went into detail about all the times he's been on fire, two of which he'd caused himself. Then he started getting more intimate and detailed about his love of fire. We just wanted the conversation to end.

Now whenever we go to Denny's John nods or waives at us. We're regulars. We're as close to friends as we're likely to get. If somehow we don't get him, he still brings creamers for Christa, stares at us with a wicked smile as he leans on the counter or asks "Where's that creamer chick?"

Oh, did I fail to mention he thinks he's suave with the ladies? He flirts horribly. Once he discovered where my friend worked and made her approve the ensemble he was trying on before he'd purchase it. He's a bizarre guy, but that only makes our late night adventures in Denny's that much more enjoyable.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

After much deliberation over what to call herself I have finally managed to bring my very funny, very intelligent friend into the fold. She went through many names before settling on one.


Please welcome with hearty well wishes a crazy girl with a penchant for sucking down dozens of those little creamers...