Hooray for finally posting something.. somewhere. I've been a sort-of lurker for long enough, I think. although I have a lot to do still tonight, and it'll definitely carry through till tomorrow. I bet you anything.

Today my best friend (well, was once my best friend, but that's another issue) James was bringing his friend Jamie to school with him. Jamie lives pretty far from us all, so we don't see him very often. I haven't even talked to him online in ages, except once like a week ago. When James brought Jamie to meet everyone sometime in grade nine, I think (no, I know) all the girls in our group fell in love with him. Or at least "fell in lust". Hooray for the sex drive of the adolescent being.

Well, I had mixed feelings about seeing Jamie today. Mostly I was glad to see him, because I haven't seen him in so long, and he's a lot of fun. Cheerful all the time. It's so great to have someone like that around at least every once in a while.

But, there's the whole thing about what always happens when Jamie's around. Every time I see him I remember that I was attracted to him once, and that sort of makes me attracted to him all over again. And this I can't have.

I've been dating James (a different James) for two months now, and we're happy. And I'm not just saying that as a "we're so damn happy, you better believe it!" sort of thing -- because I've done that in the past. But I've been smiling since we started constantly hanging out in September, and if that's not a sign I want to know what is. When James (okay, James-my-friend-James is henceforth known as JamesS and James-my-lover-James is JamesD. There.) When JamesS said Jamie was coming to school and that he'd be hanging out with me in the cafeteria in first period (that's my spare), I was glad because I haven't seen him in so long.

But, again, I remembered.

Remembered that every time I see Jamie, I flirt. At first I told myself, don't be worried. You considered what you did before because you just wanted attention, from someone, because you sure as hell weren't getting it from the boyfriend you had when you met Jamie, or, sometime later, from the one that came after. But JamesD pays attention to you. Hell, he smothers you sometimes (I could go on, but I'll cut it here). So why was I worried?

Because I knew he'd flirt. That's what he does. That's not meant as an insult or anything (I'm sure that's what it sounds like), and if it does then it's one to me. Because I never discourage him from it; more the opposite.

And I don't want to mess things up with JamesD. Because he's not stupid, like the others were. If something were to happen, he wouldn't stand for it. And I understand and respect that. I'm not a whore; I don't run off and do random people just because I get bored or feel neglected. Although I bet my brain would make me if it could. Hooray for Freud and his id vs superego theory.

I am Jack's idiotic ego, trying to sort out simple matters in my head while more complex matters lie in the dust of my neglect.

(Un?)fortunately, things went all wrong, and no one was able to get Jamie to go where he was supposed to until halfway through 3rd period. I'm still not sure how I feel about that, even now. Am I disappointed that I couldn't see him? Or am I glad that I've avoided a possible crisis? I've been without a single crisis since I left my last boyfriend (more difficult than it should have been, considering he was sucking the life out of me). JamesS suggests that we're both going crazy because we don't have any crises to correct. He's confused because his usual thing is to try and get me to break up with whoever I happen to be dating. But now he says I have a reasonable boyfriend and he doesn't want to break us up. I'm glad for this (you have no idea), but it does leave a sort of blank gap in our lives. We went for a walk a little while ago and had absolutely nothing to talk about. It was creepy, and a little sad. I miss being close with JamesS. He knew me inside out, and though he possibly still does, I can't read him anymore; not like I once could. Our conversations are sort of lopsided and awkward -- his friends aren't really my friends anymore. Later on in the winter this may bother me some more, due to my winter depressions, but right now I don't care that much.

My parents and older brother should be home sometime soon. He lives in Toronto, near his college, and I barely see him anymore, even when he does come home. Either he hides away in his room, or I go out, or he takes the car and goes to Markham to our cousin's house. And he's my favourite brother, too. My little brother is pretty much useless in the house. He eats food, sits around, sleeps, and yells at everyone. The joys of adolescence. Apparently I wasn't like this. Actually, I know I wasn't. I hide in my room during family fights; I always have. I avoid conflict by, well, avoiding it. Makes me a coward, no doubt, but at least I'm welcome in my small household, and I have little belief that my younger brother is so welcome.

Hm. I started a sort of philosophical rant, but I stopped making any sense about halfway through it.

Oh well. I'll end with a quote. I like to end things with quotes.

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you eventually." -Katharine Hepburn