I have my answers, or at least some of them. But I did receive the most needed answer - one that has been lingering for the past month and a half. And I couldn't believe the answer she gave me.
Out of all the scenarios I was thinking of, the most simplest and ridiculous of them all, had come true. No, it wasn't that she was cheating on me and went to live with someone else. No, she wasn't smart enough to just rent a room like a friend of mine did while working in the city. And no, it wasn't because she was seeing someone in London and in the process, lost interest in me. Although, all of these scenarios would have seemed more worthwhile and riveting for me to accept.
Instead, it was about a measely, insignificant computer that can be easily fixed. For her, that was the deal-breaker.
I know that I most certainly am. But of course, underneath that were all the problems we were having - the total package of discord. That, I can understand. Either I'm completely blind or that I tolerate so much of what we had been through, the result of it was that I was still willing to work through our relationship.
I'm pretty much through feeling sorry for ourselves, especially for myself. I'm no longer whining (as she so callously put it) about our failed relationship. A failed marriage would have been worse. And besides, it's normal to have certain feelings when someone abandons another person. It's been studied only recently.
I've read through nearly a third of the book. I'm about to finish the second section about Withdrawal and have glanced a little bit of the third section, Internalizing. I have a feeling that I'm already into that phase, given the new information provided.
I've also come to discover that I already intuitively know of the Akeru excercise prescribed by the author and its adaptation with the Zen philosophy. That, to me, is a good indication that spirituality cannot be obtained from a book - it is inherent in the experiences we go through.
I only hope that the next person I fall in love with has enough insight to realize the same things (if not, more so) I do.
The past weekend was somewhat eventful for me. My friends and I finally got around to going to the Helium
night club in downtown Toronto
. We had to get there almost an hour before 11pm to get into the place. It was jammed-pack as usual. The beer was cheap and the music, awesome! This place housed one of the better DJ
's playing a mix of Techo, House, Down Tempo and Trance. The thing is, because of the relationship, I wasn't able to go out with my friends as often as I would have like to. It's just one of those things
that naturally happens. And now:
I'm happy that I'm single.
Well, after reading the daylog by codic
, the one just below my own, I've come to realize that I have a profuse amount of anger
towards my ex. Of course, I question whether I was right or not to have shown such emotions - especially when she did what she did in the way she did it. Perhaps it's not a question of right or wrong, but rather that it was natural for it to happen. But, would a more enlightened person harbour such feelings of resentment
and hostility? Probably not, but even to question that, it doesn't sound to me that I'm anywhere near the level of evolution I'm suppose to be at. In that case, let me start over
There's one line that I really do feel that hit home with me:
"You can tell a lot about how much a boy/girlfriend really loved you by the steps he/she took to play damage control on your bruised ego."
Now that's the most eloquent statement I've ever run across in a long time.
It also blatantly indicates how much she really cares for me - which is nothing, zilch, nada, zero. And what do I do? Well, even though I'm the one with the bruised ego, I also tried to bruise hers by attempting to retaliate with words. That tells me how much I love her - which is also nothing, zilch, nada, zero. Okay, I must admit, I still feel sorry for her due to her current situation. But the fact remains is that she chose to put herself into it. There were other options she could have excercised. And it wasn't as if I didn't want to do something that could better the situation. I pleaded with her to discuss the matter, but she totally ignored me. She was set in her ways.
So as a constellation, I suppose taking her to small claims court might not be a good idea. I'm not cruel enough to seize her assets when she's already suffering. And taking into consideration what codic stated made it so clear to me now.
Thanks, codic! :-) Because of your writeup, I shall cool! you!
Besides, I never did like involving myself with the Law. Anything that had to do with even Law or police, especially speeding tickets, always made my stomach churn. I guess I won't be able to go to Law School. Oh well.