How to type with your nose - an easy to follow reference guide!

There comes a point in the life of any frequent computer user where new, interesting fields in the spectrum of typography urge to be explored. Some use this opportunity to learn the Dvorak keyboard layout or something equally useful. However, many novices choose to explore the secrets of nose-typing. Whatever popular myth may try to make you believe, this is not as easy as it sounds! For those still willing to learn the art of nose-typing, some safety guidelines before we approach the actual guide:

  • Never attempt to nose-type if you have a history of previous nasal injuries!
  • Before attempting to nose-type, make absolutely sure no sharp objects are situated on your keyboard! This is of utmost importance!
  • CONTROL YOUR NOSE'S IMPACT VELOCITY! This cannot be stressed enough.
  • Please see the statement at the end of this guide and agree to the terms before you try anything!

And now, on to the guide!

  1. Locate an appropriate keyboard. Any keyboard will do, however large keys such as those on an ergonomic keyboard are generally preferrable. Lap top keyboards or those tiny transparent / black ones that come with iMacs are not recommended.

  2. Check your keyboard for dust specks, coffee stains and the like. This step is not absolutely necessary but recommended for reasons of personal hygiene.

  3. Face the keyboard and locate the letter you wish to type. GENTLY lower your face towards the keyboard and briefly push the key down with your nose.

  4. Remove your face from the keyboard, and view your monitor.

  5. Congratulations! You have successfully nose-typed your first letter!

  6. Repeat steps 3 and 4 to form words, sentences... I dare say even paragraphs are possible!

  7. For case shifting, it is recommended to use the caps lock key. The tongue may otherwise be used to hold down shift while nose-typing the desired letter, but this can get uncomfortable and is a health risk if step 2 was not performed very carefully.

You will not be typing very accurately or swiftly, at first. This is not a problem, and is to be expected. Take it easy! Progress will come with practice. Soon, you too will be a nose-typing professional!

Finally, some FAQs:

Q: I have been following your guide, and my keyboard is now covered with ugly, green blobs! What's wrong?
A: You have been nose-typing while under the influence of the flu. While this is not likely to cause injuries as such, it is still not recommended. Locate a new keyboard.

A: Caps-lock remains active until the key is pressed another time. Simply push the key again to solve the issue.

Q: With your help, I have mastered the art of nose-typing! I seek new challenges! What do you recommend?
A: Congratulations on your success! For new, interesting challenges, see How to type with your elbow to be released Real Soon Now!

EULA: The author of this writeup claims no responsibility for any injuries, damaged equipment or deflated egos which occur as a result of the guide! Pregnant women, children under the age of 12 and members of the NRA should not attempt to nose-type! Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball! Batteries not included. USE GUIDE AT OWN RISK!