I'm never wearing Axe
deodorant again. I am dead fucking serious.
So my girlfriend got it for me because she thought it would smell good on me. See, I'm an Old Spice guy myself, but for some reason Old Spice reminds her of old people, so she's been looking for something else for me. I am, however, set in my ways, so it's been rough. That, and I hate the Axe commercials. No, seriously. "Guy wears deodorant then gets about twenty hot chicks just because he's wearing it, blah blah blah." Ugh. I hate advertising like that. It's enough to make me boycott a product, so I would never have owned the stuff if she hadn't have bought it for me.
Well, just a couple of hours ago, I decided to head to my local bar for a nice martini. I had been working today, so I grabbed the first deodorant I could find on the way out, which was the Axe. No sense walking around stinking just because of a bit of corporate hate, right? So I sprayed some on, then I left. I went straight into the dimly lit pub, and sidled up to the bar. Just a nod to the bartender was enough; he knows my drink of choice.
I had just taken my first sip when I heard the door open behind me. I turned around, and in walks, nay, staggers the hottest fucking blonde I've ever seen in my life. She stopped just inside the door, staring blankly around the bar.
I grinned to myself. I'm happily taken, so the usual thoughts were quite absent from my mind. No, I was thinking that this, without a doubt, is a woman who is truly fucked up on some Xanax, and that if I played my cards right, I might leave with a bit for myself.
She stumbled towards me. I half-raised my drink to her.
"If you're looking for a good martini, the bartender here really knows how to handle a bottle of gin," I ventured.
She stumbled to right in front of me. I gingerly pulled my martini out of the danger zone; she looked as if she might end up knocking it from my hand.
"Yeah, so like I was saying, the bartender here makes a killer drink. What's your name?"
She stared at me with those Xanax-deadened eyes, with her head cocked to one side. I saw her nostrils flare once, then twice.
"Ummm... So, I was thinking that maybe we cou-HuRRRK!"
See, that was when she straight grabbed me by the front of the shirt. I'm not even kidding. I don't know what they put in that Axe shit, but whatever it is, it works. She yanked me towards her as her head shot towards my neck, and I could feel her lips drunkenly working there.
"Ummm, hey, ahhh. Listen, lady, I think you've got the wrong idea. See, I'm kind of taken, and I, OWWWWWWW, MOTHERFUCKER!"
SHE BIT ME! The psycho bitch bit me! I mean, I've been come onto before, but I've never had some girl just come up and start chewing on my neck before. I yelled, and pushed her away. Apparently she couldn't take a hint, as she ended up taking most of my shirt with her. She hit the ground, and then she had the nerve to snarl at me! What the hell?! I decided that this might be a good time to vacate the premises, so I went for the door. I was almost out when I felt her grab my leg from behind, and this time her teeth sunk nearly an inch into my calf.
I don't know if anyone here has ever been bitten that hard before, but let me tell you, it HURTS. I screamed, and yanked away from her again. Then I did the only thing I could think of to do.
I kicked her in the face, as hard as I could. I don't usually hit women, but it was the only thing I could think of to do. Then when she slumped to the ground, I ran. I just kept running until I got home, then I locked the door behind me.
I've just now cleaned up and bandaged the wound. It's a really nasty looking bite, too. It's all red and swollen, and I sincerely hope it's not getting infected already. It hurt like a bitch to clean out, because of all the jagged skin around it. It's gonna scar, too. I took some hydrocodone I had laying around, but now that the adrenaline has worn off, it's really painful.
God, I can't believe that girl. This is the easily the craziest fucking thing that's ever happened to me. Ever. I think she may have been on something a little stronger than Xanax, in retrospect. I thought about calling the police, but I decided not to. Cops are utterly useless creatures, in my experience. They'd probably arrest me for the hydrocodone while some crazy woman is out running around biting people in bars. What's worse, I think the crazy cunt had the flu or something, because now I'm running a temperature now of over 100 degrees, but I feel really cold and I keep shaking. I just hope it wasn't rabies or something.
Fuck Axe deodorant. I'm never wearing that shit again.