Responses to Jehovah’s Witnesses:

“Hey, great! Something to read. I was just about to go to the bathroom…” (snatch the pamphlets from their hands and close the door)

“I’ve heard it said that the meek shall inherit the earth. Do the meek go knocking door to door, passing out literature? Just curious.”

“You know, I’m glad you came because I have a question. God said to beware of false prophets, right? And that some of them might use the actual word of God against you, right? And he said that some of them might not even be aware of the falseness of their own prophecy right? Well, then, how do you know for sure you’re not it?

“No, I don’t want to go to heaven, because YOU’RE going to be there.”

“Do I go to church? Do I go to church? Do I…” (start laughing hysterically, as if this were the most absurd thing you’ve ever heard of, and close the door in their face)

“I’m sorry, Deuteronomy 23:1 specifically excludes from the congregation of the Lord those who have had their ‘privy member’ cut off. Thanks anyway.”