Laying in bed at midnight, restless, I go to grab a Cure CD from my car to listen to as I fall asleep, but somehow I end up starting the engine and driving away rather than returning to my bedroom with the cd. The streets are silent and seem to welcome my company.

Where am I going?

I find myself at the beginning of one of my favorite roads in the hills, one full of unpredictable decreasing radius turns that gradually winds its way up to a scenic point overlooking the valley. I'm racing along now. Second gear. 6000RPMs. Music blaring.

The roads are wet. This is fucking dangerous. Slow down.

My thoughts begin to float away, to a poem in a demo that I saw earlier tonight, a poem that I had wanted to share with my ex-girlfriend as I felt it had really spoken to me and reflected my feelings.

Turn, turn. Slow down. Turn on the high beams.

It was a dark, thoughtful poem that was refreshingly raw and concise, set to a brooding piece of music that consisted of floating, hollow syths punctuated by crunchy, mechanical sounding distorted beats. I miss her. I wish the best for her. Why doesn't she care?

s h i n e o n m y d a r l i n g

The road straightens out a bit. Shifting, I leave behind thoughts of my ex. Third Gear. 5000RPMs.

"Self-destruction won't destroy you, if you've got someone lookin' out for you"

Angel. I've found a piece of myself in her. She understands me, but yet I've been growing increasingly distant with her. I wonder why?

"Love is suicide"

I spot a delicate young deer on the side of the road, who looks over its shoulder at the approaching menace. Slowing down, I think about how unnatural the world has become. Deer were not meant to be exposed to the dangers of inconsolable youth zooming around in the middle of the night.

How fragile life is.

I arrive at a point in the road that overlooks the valley. Stopping, I step out of my car into the icy night air and climb up a small embankment to a better vantage point. Stepping on sharp rocks, I suddenly wish that I had taken the time to put on some shoes, but at the same time I love the sensation and the texture beneath my toes.

This is real.

Looking down at endless sea of lights in the valley, I'm filled with a sense of wonder. I wonder if the people down there know how infinitesimally small they are?

we are part of a pattern