You have no idea how horribly, horribly, teeth-pullingly tiresome it is as well.

So. In 2003, my parents divorced, I was 17 at the time. It really didn't affect me; I stayed living with me faither until I went off to university and then for a wee while when I came back, and now I'm elsewhere. From around 2008 or so, he took up with this woman called Samantha, who I know sort of. She has a son a bit younger than me called Tim, who is part Greek because her first husband was Greek. I've met him once, he seems okay and suchlike. He was at Berkeley for a year abroad at the time me faither first hooked up with her.

Anyhow, when I went to visit him recently, she came along and has taken it upon herself to "civilise" me. Apparently me being a fully qualified solicitor yet spending my weekends headbanging and supping vast quantities of real ale up the London Stone and then stagger home at 4 am, stopping off in Shoreditch at the only chippy I've found in London that sells chips & gravy is somehow Incongruous and therefore Wrong. Which slightly surprised me; last time I went to Wacken I was camped with a systems analyst, a Belgian accountant, and a banker from Frankfurt called Manfred, so it's not like we're all C2DE marketing sector inhabitants. But that's beside the by. Aside from my not liking of wine, my earthy humour, and suchlike, one of the ways in which I have to be civilised is by the acquisition of female companionship.

So. I was informed that she has this workmate who's also a bit of a headbanger, and recently had split with her beau because he was "boring." She then tells me she's told this lass all about me, how I'm a "good catch" because I'm a solicitor and then won't lay off till she's seen me add her and then message her on Facebook. At this point I'm having horrible visions of me marrying this woman and her standing under the bedroom window on the wedding night and refusing to leave until I've waved the bedsheets out of it like a Japanese flag. I'm also somewhat leery of the fact that she works with this person, because there's absolutely nothing worse than having, erm, progress reports, funnelled into her and thus me faither's knowledge. It's none of their business, quite frankly, what or who I do.

Then there's the fact that there's a high probability I'll be The Rebound. No thanks. I've had that before with Tamzin of Mansfield and Ilona the Transylvanian Tango Dancer. It was a waste of time, all things considered.

Thing is, they're right. We do need to get me a girlfriend. I've never had one. Well, not a proper relationship or owt like that. Until after I'd been to the Sorbonne and come back, The Macc Lads' song "Failure With Girls" pretty much described me. Thing is, I'd rather get one on my own terms rather than be shoved into it by someone well meaning. I took up Internet dating at her and me faither's behest in the past and although I did get a few sniffs that way, there were a lot of folks on it who, upon finding out I was in law, began asking uncomfortable questions about how much I earnt. However, being set up by people is generally not, in my estimation, always welcome in general. This is because I'd rather not have my affairs spread far and wide, dissected, and cross-examined by other people on a regular basis. Yes, I do need to get me a girlfriend, but I'd rather it be on my own terms and suchlike. And the reason that song "Failure With Girls" described me was because I was constantly determined to score and if I didn't, I'd consider my night out or whatever Sid the Sexist-like ploy I'd come up with to have been a total waste of time. And folks who I attempted to pull would subconsciously pick up on that. Warning, I was slightly saying. This person is desperate for crumpet. Avoid him. And they would. So now I'd rather just go oot on the tap or wherever just with the intention of enjoying self, supping some beer or giving myself a bangover and I'm orders of magnitude more successful at garnering female (or male, for that matter) interest as I was before.

And it works both ways as well. As in this instance I'm now being pushed towards someone, I can't help but feel that any overtures I make towards her - and since she's being pushed towards me, those she makes towards me - will come over as forced and insincere. Yeah, I'll probably give it a thrash, but I'm not expecting the earth of it.

Moreover, I'm also put in the position that if I don't make a good faith attempt to pull her, I'll look rude to Samantha and me faither. And given my family's propensity for taking sides against each other, this I don't want. And if she rejected me out of hand, she'll look rude to her friend Samantha. And they work together so that's really not going to be helpful.

So you see, here's my view of all this - if you do think someone needs a girlfriend, boyfriend, friend with benefits, lover, mistress, or anonymous shag, tell them if you want to, but don't try to rectify it by pushing people at them. Because not only is it not likely to be successful due to the forcedness of it, it's also likely to cause a row if you don't get it together, cause bad feeling, and similar. If you are pushed into this, then tell them that you're grateful, but in the short term you'll stick with wanking. After all, it's sex with someone you love!