user since
Sun Mar 20 2005 at 12:05:51 (19.3 years ago )
last seen
Tue Jul 23 2024 at 21:32:27 (14.6 hours ago )
number of write-ups
422 - View Hazelnut's writeups (feed)
level / experience
23 (Grand Poobah) / 28641
C!s spent
mission drive within everything
Turning your sacred cows into inexpensive hamburger meat.
Law, heavy metal, bad novels, gaming, venting, tango, and apocrypha.
A law firm in the South West.
categories maintained
Hazelnut's Saucy Writeups, Eurovision Node Contest, Books Hazelnut Read So You Don't Have To, Books Hazelnut Read Because You Should Also, #FatFuckOff
most recent writeup
Andrew Tate
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"I'm just thinking aloud,
Isn't thinking allowed?

- Skyclad, Thinking Allowed.

I like to think this sums me up rather. But then again, I also like to think that one day England might actually win the World Cup. It's also true as I'm sat here.

Age - Old enough to know better.
Sex - Can't get enough.
Sex - If you want some, fill out an application form and send it in.
Sex - Last time I looked, I was a man.
Religion - Completely apathetic, but not actively hostile.
Politics - Libertarian Right (+4.50, -1.64) according to the Political Compass at Whoa! When did I become so authoritarian all of a sudden?
Music - Stuff that descends screaming from the heavens and unleashes the FURY on your FACE. That, and synthwave.
What I do with myself all day - Eat, drink, and litigate. Swim. Shoot clays. Try to be less of a Big Lad.
Literature - Anything really. I also like reading horrible books and then posting on here about how awful they are. This is surprisingly addictive.
Favourite Films - The Lord of the Rings, Conan the Barbarian, Carrie, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-rama, The Wicker Man, Fight Club, Brokeback Mountain, Brazil, A Fistful of Dollars, Dodgeball, Full Metal Jacket, Highlander, Le Placard, Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, The Proposition, Secretary, RRR, The Shawshank Redemption, Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, Rita, Sue, and Bob Too, Singham.
Preferred Beverages - Coke Zero. Alcohol is overrated.
Anything Else - Not really.
In A Perfect World - The entire political classes would commit mass ritual suicide.


None whatsoever.

Word of the Month

Seethe. Watching people do this impotently brings a warm glow to the shrivelled, dried, corners of what passes for my heart.

Noders I Have Encountered In The Flesh, In Chronological Order

  • La Petite Mort
  • TenMinJoe
  • StrawberryFrog
  • Spiregrain (who is a cunt, by the way)
  • Oolong
  • JoeBaldwin
  • Tiefling
  • Scriblerus
  • AnnaPanna
  • Auduster
  • Gritchka
  • K9
  • TheLady (according to whom, my cock is more important than planet Earth. Though to be fair, she's not the first woman to have paid me that compliment!!!!)
  • Ponder
  • Booyaa
  • Splunge
  • BaronWR
  • Pandora
  • Princess Loulou
  • Fondue
  • Catchpole
  • 00100
  • Montecarlo
  • Albert Herring
  • Meidinhell
  • Paraclete
  • Wntrmute
  • Ianah0
  • Stupot
  • Shimmer
  • The Debutante
  • Heisenberg (who, alarmingly, thinks I am the most articulate person he has ever met, ever)
  • Kizor
  • Dimview
  • Kohlcass
  • Sloebertje
  • SharQ
  • Macaque
  • Junkill
  • Andrew Aguecheek
  • Sam512
  • DTal
  • Voltaireontoast
  • Mkb
  • Shouldhavenodebetter
  • Krimson
  • Noders I Have Spoken To Telephonically, By Some Means Or Another, But Have Not Encountered Fleshwise

  • Shaogo
  • Apatrix
  • WiccanPiper
  • Izubachi
  • If you think you may have run into me at some point but I've forgotten to put you on here, please /msg me.

    Writeups I Really Ought To Get Round To Finishing

  • Sexual Offences Act 2003
  • Death on the Rock
  • Renault Laguna
  • XXe Ciel
  • Unlawful eviction
  • ElfQuest
  • No Platform
  • Vetting and Barring Scheme
  • The Burning Question Of The Hour

    How do I brush up on my mathematical skills without feeling like a complete moron?

    If you have any idea as to this, please /msg me.

    A Somewhat Modified Proust/Bernard Pivot Questionnaire, As Stolen From Voltaireontoast

    Your most marked characteristic? Loudness of voice and footstep.

    What is your greatest extravagance? My annual chilli consumption.

    What is your favourite word? Cunt. Because it still has the power to shock and appall despite the devaluation in that quarter of all other expletives.

    What is your least favourite word? Compliance. The idea that everything we do is now so byzantinely regulated that entire departments have to scrutinise our every action as to whether we're breaking some pettifogging rule or another or might be seen to be breaking same (which, for inexplicable reasons, is a big deal) makes me heartily sick. When I hear the word "compliance" I hear the smugness of a professional killjoy who wants to impede me, personally.

    Where would you like to live? On the Moon.

    The quality you most like in a person? Forthrightness, undoubtedly.

    What do you most value in your friends? This is a tough question, since I've never really thought about it too much. In fact, I seem to wander on okay on my own quite a lot.

    What turns you on? Shapely hips and a robustly filthy sense of humour.

    What turns you off? Vapid slatterns like what you see in lad mags.

    What is your principle defect? Tact. Don't have any. Don't care. No point pussyfooting around, just say it if it needs saying.

    What is your favourite occupation? Lawyer. I am one.

    What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes? Death.

    Who is your favourite hero of fiction? Grignr from The Eye of Argon. I don't know.

    Who is your favourite heroine of fiction? Not fiction, but Aethelflaed, daughter of Alfred the Great and a real life she-warrior and ruthless stateswoman in her own right. Much overlooked she is. She finished off what her father started - booting out the Vikings.

    Who are your heroes in real life? Aethelflaed, as above, Queen Zenobia of Palmyra, Basil I the Macedonian of the Byzantine Empire, Geoffrey Bindman, William Garrow.

    What sound do you love? The bandóneon.

    What sound do you hate? That screeching noise that young teenage girls make at a boyband concert.

    What are your favourite names? Evelyn, Sara, Gerald, Roger, Mark, Manfred, Hannah, Kenneth, Aoife.

    What natural gift would you most like to possess? The ability to be in multiple places at once.

    How would you like to die? Reluctantly. Failing that, of heart failure at old age after having had a six-hour or more marathon sex session with at least eleven ultra-tasty women (and/or men) all of whom bang like a shit house door in a gale, fuelled by a combination of beer, whisky, and Ricard, atop a pile of the corpses of my slain foes. (Manowar called, I know, they want their fantasy back.)

    What is your present state of mind? Chadly. Inside every self-doubting autist, myself included, there is a massive fucking Gigachad waiting to get out.

    What historical figures do you most despise? L. Ron Hubbard, Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao, John Lennon, Michael Jackson, Gillian McKeith, Neil Ferguson, Klaus Schwab, Tony Blair (especially him, whose grave I intend to violate on livestream after he dies, not joking).

    What is your favourite flower? Blue ones that smell nice.

    What is your favourite bird? The ptarmigan. For its name.

    What would you like to be? Remembered after I die. For a not insignificant amount of time. By a not insignificant number of people.

    What is your favourite journey? Fare dodging on a night train in Germany and getting away with it (unintentionally, I hasten to add; the ticket inspector didn't even notice I was there despite me waving a wad of twenty euro notes at him.)

    On what occasion do you lie? All the time. If you kiss me, better count your teeth afterwards. Yep, I'm an inveterate fibber beyond belief. Everything I say is a falsehood, apart from the answer to this question.

    Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "Egregious," "irrelevant," "thoroughly."

    When and where were you happiest? So far? Thrashing a grifter and his morality pet in Court in February 2023 and getting his claim dismissed and costs against him. Hnnng.

    What is your favorite curse word? Cunt. For the reasons I said above.

    If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? A lion.

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Difficulty 6.300, Execution 9.366. Not bad.

    Shout Outz In The Grand Tradition of Faceparty and AOL

    In no particular order: Alex B, the other Alex B, Ginger Ben, Nick the Twelve Inch Pianist, Marie-Louise, Francis, Luke of Reading, Bondage Luke of KCL, Worried Looking Katy, Laura "Suburban Butterboy" the Cypriot, Will S-P, Camp Omar, Ravi M, Tom Baldwin (no relation, thankfully, to JoeBaldwin), Marco, Lia, Sophie of Luxembourg, Béa the Siren of Droit de Sociétés, Michael "My Course is a Bag o' Bollox" N, Lilia (sorry about the pancake splat), Susannah, Mimstress, Lizzle, the lively Heather, Luke, Luke, Amy, Matt, Bambi, Roberta, and the inimitable PJ.

    The Quickest Way To My Heart

    There isn't one, because I don't have one.

    In Conclusion...

    Drinking alone is like shitting in company.

    (Don't ask.)