Nothing has helped me the way Bloussant has helped. It's just incredible what this product can do for you. I feel more beautiful and sexier than ever. I know I look a hundred percent better. I feel a hundred percent better!
-Kimberly, a woman with nice tits.

Oh thank god! A hundred percent is a lot and this world needs to feel one hundred percent better, right now. I'm going to send that one-month free supply of Bloussant offered on the TV to the Middle East and to all the starving families in the Yukon. I mean, it's just incredible what this product can do! Let's see another.

Before Bloussant, I was so ashamed of my saggy breasts that I wouldn't let my husband near them! And now, I have made him my personal size inspector! (Bloussant has made my husband a happier man too, I might add). No, my breasts have not become huge. I do not wish to exaggerate. But now, when I lay on my back, they stay ON my chest! And they are firm, and guess what? I actually have nipples now!
-A satisfied customer with actual nipples.

Couldn't we all use our own personal size inspector? Well, girls, it's time to start putting ads in the Anything Goes section of your local rag, because Bloussant promises to PUMP! YOU! UP! Remember the creation scene from Weird Science? It's like that, only better. I'll let the guys go here, so they can hit the telephones, but FYI, your older brother lied, the number is not 1-800-BIG-TITS.

For my flat-chested friends not in the know, there is a new kid living in breast augmentation town and it's going to put a crimple in the whimple of our old friend the boob job. Bloussant, the tiny little pill that guarantees big results (two full cup-sizes big), has hit the airwaves and has taken the fastest route to our girlish hearts: directly through our chests.Yes, Bloussant is "nature's answer to a more beautiful bustline" that will "awaken your body's growth process." Scientifically, of course.

This is not like that cream that Rudi snuck home in brown paper, only to find out from Mrs. Huxtable that it was all bunk in a moment that made all of America go "Awwwww." This ain't no creepy vacuum pump. This is all-natural, herbal and above all, it's good for you. Let's take a look at some of the things that are going to stimulate your breast prostaglandins into gradually transforming your breasts and enhancing your bust size.

  • 150 mg of Saw palmetto, which the ancient Egyptians used to undo mammary gland atrophy
  • 50 mg Fennel Seed, a top secret estrogenic agent with new super estrogen power!
  • 50 mg Dong Quai, God's own hot flash remedy, containing Safrole!!
  • Damiana, what we in the business like to call a happy drug
  • 50 mg Black Cohosh, the new alternative to your tired, old hormone precursors
  • Blessed Thistle, used for thousands of years to make unsuspecting women hot n' horny
  • Watercress, a little something to get rid of all that grotesque water weight
  • Dandelion, which doesn't actually do anything but sure does look pretty
  • Wild Yam, in case you're hungry

In case that wasn't enough, Bloussant also helps women make sure that they are getting enough gelatin, Silicon Dioxide, Magnesium Stearate, and Titanium Dioxide in their diets. Isn't the assurance from construction workers and your icky boss that you are a good enough woman worth the $344.95 for a four-month supply just to get the one-month free supply promised on TV? Aren't you worth it? Isn't your poor, suffering husband/boyfriend worth it? Let's hear from one more happy Bloussant user.

I would recommend this product to every woman to use. YOU MUST TRY IT!!!!!
-Joan H, exclamation point retailer.

Now I know all the gals out there have fingers that are ready to do the walking to Well Quest International, the makers of Bloussant, and the guys are already waiting on the front stoop for the mailman, but, OOPSIE, I forgot to mention the fine print.

It seems that in Santa Barbara, 138 upscale, educated women like yourselves wanted to join the bust enhancement party, but found that their headlights did not live up to the hype. So they called the Better Business Bureau and found out that the Well Quest people have a long and sordid history with the BBB. To quote Magneto: this is one lover's quarrel we don't want to get involved in.

And what about that other nitpicking little acronym, the FDA? Bloussant likes to point out on its website that "Bloussant is produced in an FDA approved facility, however it does not require FDA approval. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure a disease." That's the truth! Our fearless friends at the FDA do, however, control advertising, which is why the makers of Bloussant can only hint at the sheer greatness of their product.

But what about the F? You know, food. All-natural Bloussant is sort of like food, if you mean Olestra and saccharine, in that it contains ingredients that have been linked to cancer and cause strong stomach cramping, abdominal pains and stinky gas. Can't figure out what in such a teensy little pill could make all those bad things happen? Hint: your recommended daily allowance of Silicon Dioxide and Magnesium Stearate.

To make matters worse, Bloussant may maximize your muffins but only insomuch as can happen during Aunt Flo's monthly visit. It may also alter your hormonal tides, increasing your risk of breast cancers and making you into a queen bitch. Some unlucky ladies have also reported weight gain in other parts of their bodies, and, as we all know, there is nothing more embarrassing than having to go to a big meeting with a giant chi-chi on your forehead. YUCK!

So, ladies, grab your boyfriends off the front stoop and be sure to intercept the mail for the next few weeks to avoid any Mickey Finn incidents. And for god's sake, just go out, buy a push-up bra and let it do double duty if need be. You look just fine.