Codeine is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, being that codeine is a controlled substance, it is not available every time you might want a spoonful or two. I have known people who have scored this wonder drug through friend’s boyfriends, friends with prescriptions and I’ve gotten it via faking horrible coughs (last such a time found me watching CNN for two weeks straight and loving it).

So, as a public service announcement, I will now share a recipe that almost, but not quite, when taken as directed, approximates the feeling you'll get when taking codeine, the wonder drug. I don’t suggest you try this, as it may be dangerous to your particular physiology (as it may have been bad to my mine: I hear the combination will damage the liver) and because drugs are NOT cool and NOT glamorous, even though Absolutely Fabulous and popular music may tell you otherwise. I swear that this was discovered accidentally during a particularly bad cold.

1.Take one or two Sudafed tablets.
2.Wait about fifteen minutes.
3.Chug (meaning to drink really fast) two cans of beer.
4.Lay down on a bed or couch and wait for feelings of dreamy euphoria to set in.

Again, I do not advocate the recreational usage of prescription drugs, but this did work for me, and I’ve passed on this knowledge to others who’ve claimed similar results. Have fun.