Recitar! Mentra preso dal delirio

Yes, I perform. I perform for my friends, my family, everyone I know. Nobody knows who I truely am. Do I? Not really. I kind of find comfort in that. When someone doesn't like me, I say, they don't like that person. Thats not me. I'm different. Over come with delirium. Sometimes, other times with sadness, loneliness, weakness. I perform better under these circumstances it seems. I can leave my world, enter another. Not real though. Never real.

non so piu' quel che dico, e quel che faccio.

Out of control? Sometimes, all the time. I don't have a plan. My plan fell through. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. I have no idea what it is that I'm saying to people, or what I'm doing to people. All I see are relationships declining, friends drifting apart, no hope.

Eppur e' d'uopo... sforzati!

I must continue. I can not succumb to the dangers of myself. Often I have thought of suicide. Not often have I seriously attempted it. I must force myself. For myself to continue despite the pain, the misery, the lonliness. It can't be for much longer. It won't be for much longer. I won't allow it to be.

Bah! sei tu forse un uom?

No. I am no man. I am less than a man. I am as far away from being a man as I am from anything else. I am nothing. I do not grow, do not develope, do not change. I am static. I will always be the loser that I am now.

Tu se' Pagliaccio!

I am less than a clown. Less than what people laugh at. I am in many areas similar, I must confess. I am here for people to laugh at. For people to feel better about themselves. I am the object of laughter. Why is that so bad? Have I not here found a purpose of life? Is that why I am upset? Because I have found a purpose? Or is purpose one of those things that you can not know, or at least, not meant to know.

Vesti la giubba e la faccia infarina

My costume is happiness. My mask is laughter. No one will know the pain, no one will know the unhappiness. They will see what I want them to see, what THEY want to see. This is what I do. There is nothing wrong with it. We all wear masks, all wear costumes. Perhaps the moment I die, I will strip myself naked. Reveal who I really am. Perhaps. But until then, I will keep wearing my costume, and I will keep laughing.

La gente paga e rider vuole qua

That is why people hang around with me. To laugh. Are they doing it with me? At me? Does it matter. As long as they laugh I have fulfilled my duty, my job, my purpose. I can not disappoint. I must make them laugh. They will think I am funny, and they will like me. They WILL like me.

E se Arlechin t'invola, Columbina

I have no person in my life. No one. I thought I found someone. I was wrong. So terribly wrong. But I guess her and my friend aren't so wrong. Whatever happens, I hope that she is happy. I hope she finds someone, be it my friend, or someone else, that will treat her like she deserves. Someone who can do all the things that I long to do, but can't. And all the things that she needs that I can not provide. I hope to dear God that she finds someone like this and I hope I never have to stand by and say that I'm happy for her. Eventhough I will be.

ridi Pagliaccio e ognun applaudira!!

I will laugh. They will laugh. Everyone will be happy. I will be happy, or will I? The first step to being happy is acting happy. Why can I not go to the next step? Why am I stuck? They will applaud. Oh yes they will. Their laughter will be my applause. Their invitations will be my encore. They will be satisfied by my performance. No one will ever know the truth. I am so good at what I do. So good at pretending. So good, that I forget who I am when I am not pretending.

Tramuta in lazzi lo spasmo ed il pianto;

I will use my misery and pain to make laughter. I will use my life to be-little. I will turn my inner-most tears into laughter. This is the way I must proceed. This is the only way I can live. Besides, what good are all these emotions? This way, they can find an outlet. A creative and productive outlet. One that will enlighten many people's days, enrich them. They will see how painful I am, and they will be happy at what they have. Truely it is more than I can ever imagine.

In una smorfia il singhiozzo e'l dolor... Ah!

This is the hardest thing to do. To smile despite the way I am feeling. To laugh at my life, even though the pain piercies me. I fail sometimes, and people see. They see for a moment my real pain. And they withdraw. I have failed. I do not fail often, but when I do, I fall even deeper into despair. I can not fail anymore. I must succeed. I must smile.

Ridi Pagliacco, sul tuo amore infranto!

Laugh. Laugh. At whatever I can, at my broken heart, my shattered dreams, my unrealized potential. Laugh at that. Why can I not laugh at that? Why?

Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor!

Laugh! At the pain that poisons my heart. Laugh and be happy. That is my only choice. The only path left open. Why is it so hard? Why can I not do it? Why do I still hurt?