Everybody holds the twin powers of creation and destruction within them.
We can create the infinite. From the pleasant feeling a stranger gets when we smile at them in passing to great works of art.
We have the power to destroy in equal measure. From the crumpling of a half-drawn sketch to the massive destruction capabilities of nuclear armaments.
Tonight, without any effort on my part, I may have destroyed a relationship. I've been an emotional basketcase over the last week, and to compound my unpleasant circumstances, I have yet to figure out why. Being something of a control freak, this makes me cross. Normally I don't let such things get out of hand, but of late I've been lonely, too. And when I'm lonely, I get depressed. And when I'm depressed, I become nihilistically self-destructive, if that isn't in and of itself contradictory. Even if it is.
Yesterday, I craved attention. I got some, but not as much as I wanted and it left me feeling mildly resentful. I put it aside and moved on.
Today started out as most days. It's Wednesday, so I got paid today, but with my finances as they are, due to my irresponsible husband, I already have only enough to cover breakfast for the rest of the week and gas. Maybe.
To say I've been busy at work would be both an overstatement and an understatement. I've had too much time and spent much of it prowling the message boards associated with the eBay Auction for America fund raising campaign. But when I have had work, it's been like the proverbial feast, threatening to crush me amid the hectic flurry of important paperwork.
I take the time during my breaks to relax and talk to people. I need to talk to people when I'm depressed and lonely. But today it wasn't an option. I couldn't log into ICQ for most of the day, logging only 15 minutes over the course of 90 that I get for breaks and lunch. And my other internet contact site (as I haven't been hanging around E2 much lately) was also not responding. For whatever reason, my work's internet connection was not allowing me to get to EA.com or PoGo.com, where I play a game to relax. As a result, I didn't relax while at work.
And so, in a rather unpleasant mood, I made my way home. Once here I managed to completely and totally alienate the one person I most want to talk to. Now he's incommunicado and I'm having bouts of crying in between long periods of hollowness inside.
I hate this. That and despair are the only feelings I can find within myself. I hate the feeling of hollowness. I hate how it eats away at my being. I really hate the very idea that right now, he's unhappy because I couldn't keep from lashing out verbally in my unhappiness.
And now I sit, writing this because I cannot speak to him. He's turned off the only way I have to contact him online as a reply to my venemous mutterings. I can't call him as he's online still. So I write. And I wait. And I worry. I worry that I've pushed too far. I worry that I've done irreparable damage. I worry that I've lost a friend. And every few minutes I cry.
I post this here as I have nowhere else. Peace.