I have just spend fifteen quid in an attempt to get a set of passport
photos that do not make me look like a serial killer
with a hangover
Truly good photos are rare and wonderful things in passports. I have a theory that there is a special filter in the photo booth
s, that adds the layer of grime
, and exhaustion
. It helps immigration
officials recognise you when you crawl through the airport
after 36 hours of travel
ling, a mugging
, and a bad case of dysentery
I had been married
a year before I showed my passport photo to my beloved
. Yes. It was that bad.
And so, with my passport stolen by the pond-scum
d our flat this weekend, and several trips for work and play coming up in the very near future, it's time to go around and around on the hellish merry-go-round
of getting a new passport.
Replacing a passport is easy. If you have a passport, you hold it up and say, "See, that's me! now give me another one." And they nod and smile, and relieve you of 28 pounds, and give you a new one. But, if your entire collection of ID
has been lifted in the burglary, you're a bit stuffed. I've not seen my birth certificate
for at least a dozen years. And nothing else will do.
And so I order a new birth certificate. Try to remember my mother's middle name
. Try to remember my own name (I have evil middle names that I rarely use). This is the easy bit. The photos are where the pain
First set: I look like a serial killer again. A really mean one, who is cruel to little fluffy animal
s, pulls out old ladies' fingernail
s and then gets gory. Luckily there are greasy
fingermarks all over the glass, that make it look like I have snow
on my head. This means I get to do another set.
Second set: I sneeze
, just as the flash goes off, and my picture is a huge blur
as my head moves. Damn. Looks pretty cool, a swirly smudge of purple hair
and two black blurs for eyes. Maybe it will do for my travelcard
Third set: Smug
. One of those, "ner ner ner ner, I know more than you" smiles plastered on my face. Not good. Attempt to think up an excuse to try again. I will have this photograph for ten years. Oh no! I will have violet
hair for ten years. (And this photo makes it look blue
.) Oh, nifty, there's a little button that will let me switch to black and white
. Try again.
Fourth and final set: Black and white. Wow, those are dark shadow
s under my eyes. Only semi-smug now that I'm not smiling. It looks nothing like me. It looks OK. These two comments may be connected.
Enough. This will do. Now I just have to find someone to sign the bugger on the back, and then spend most of tomorrow hanging around at Petty France
till they hand over the goods.
On a more practical note, for a UK passport application you need two recent photographs which must be:
so says the information leaflet for the United Kingdom