As soon as we opened the door to the frat house, the acrid smell of cigarette smoke assaulted my nostrils as the peeling paint and posters of anorexic models assaulted my eyes. "Honestly Susan, I don't know what you see in these boys."
Her head turned to me, "Relax Walter. You need to get your head out of books and party a bit. College isn't all writing papers and going to lectures you know."
I suppose she was right. However, I was not going to piss away my parents' money. As we took our first few steps into the party, a man stumbled up to us. I think his name was Karl, he was in my Intro to Human Anatomy class. "Hey, welcome to my house!" He slurred, "The keg's down in the basement, Iota Phi Delta rules!"
As he stumbled away I asked my companion, "You actually congregate with these people?"
She gave me a look that would wilt a thousand daisies as she grabbed my arm and dragged me downstairs.
The downstairs smelt even worse. Stale, old beer mixed with cigarette smoke and some other stench. Susan told me later it was marijuana. I feared at what the bathroom must have looked like and hoped we would not stay long enough that I'd have to use it.
People were clumped into different groups. There were 6 people sitting on and around a couch passing around what looked to be a vase of some sort. We got in line behind a guy who looked like he stepped out of the Smithsonian's Neanderthals exhibit. "What are we standing around for?"
"I can't believe you Walter, didn't you go out at all in High School? We're in line for the keg. Beer doesn't grow on trees, y'know."
It was at this point that Karl came down the steps yelling all the way down and pushing another kid in front of him. "Make way," boomed the intoxicated Karl, "Fishhead is doing a keg stand!"
Karl pushed the smaller kid across the basement over to where we were standing. I stepped back so I would not knocked over by this inebriated heathen. Karl and Fishhead (what a disturbing name) stumbled past us and bumped into the neanderthal. "Move it Chubber, Fishhead is taking his first keg stand as a Phi Delt!"
Chubber (what were these parents thinking) took a step aside, a large smile filled his crouched face. I could see that he was missing a tooth, and dared not wonder how. When the behemoth moved I could see the kid pumping the keg with a wide smile on his face too. Fishhead stepped up to the keg and put his hands on the side of the large barrel. "I hope you're ready for this bro," said the kid behind the keg.
I saw Fishhead nod, then the kid behind the keg shoved the spigot into the Fishhead's mouth. Before I could purvey my disgust on my face, Chubber the neanderthal had scooped up Fishhead's legs and held them high in the air. I could not imagine how he could drink while upside down. His feet were almost touching the ceiling. I could only stare in shocked amazement as the crowd started chanting, "1... 2... 3... 4..."
The throng of drunkards in the basement kept counting until, at the mark of 14, Fishhead spit the spigot out of his mouth and Chubber lowered his legs back to the ground. I watched in horror as Fishhead stumbled his way across the basement before collapsing on the couch, at which point he was promptly handed that strange vase and a bright green lighter which appeared to be wrapped up in duct tape.
"Who's next?" Yelled the thoroughly intoxicated Karl, "You know you want to put your lips on my keg!"
"My friend here says he wants to try it."
Before I could remind Susan that she was thoroughly insane and should not be speaking for us sane people, I felt Chubber's hands grab me and pull me towards the menacing metal barrel. "I can't do this, I've ... I've never done this before."
I did not think my pleas would work on such a twisted crowd, but I could not go without protest. All I could hear was Karl yelling "Excellent, a keg virgin!" as Chubber grabbed my legs and hoisted me in the air.
The keg stand is a way to quickly imbibe beer. It requires a keg, a tap, a person to play Keg Bitch as well as one or two other people to lift the person doing the stand. The keg stand starts when the Stander has grabbed onto the handles of the keg. Before he does this, however, the Keg Bitch should be doing his or her designated duty and pump the keg thoroughly. Once the keg is pumped to perfection, the two lifters should grab the stander's legs and lift him to the air. The spigot, y'know the part of the tap where the beer comes out of, should then be placed into the stander's mouth, yet still be held by the keg bitch. Here the fun part starts, once the spigot is in the stander's mouth it's up to the Keg Bitch to keep pumping as well as whatever crowd is amassed to count out loud. It's up to the lifters to count as well as keep their eyes open for the "drop signal." The drop signal is the signal to stop the counting and lower the poor boy from on top of the keg. Usually this consists of tapping the keg or spitting out the spigot, or some other predescribed signal.
Not much to it, eh? Keg stands can get pretty crazy. I've seen one go for a count of 45 before the person dropped, took 4 steps and booted. The idea with a keg stand, and all drinking, is to not get this fucked up. Keg stands are fun and social, but please, don't drink until you're so full you have to boot, it's a waste of beer and no one wants that. Also, unless you plan on being the life of the party, or getting laid that night, I suggest you do not do a keg stand in a skirt. Lastly, do keg stands on thinner, weaker, light beers. Don't do keg stands on a keg of Guinness, it would just be a waste.