Oh how I loathe
and the uncomplicated
ease of the primal beast residing in my groin
. It is so un-intellectual, so base, so green with envy, so red with passion, anger and seedy lust
and it's such a needy whiny little bitch
You may hate it. I'm not a woman; empathy
is the peak of my ability to see your trials and tribulations at the hands of a brutal and unfair patriarchal society
. But as a male, and more specifically a male who prides himself on first being a human
and even a bit of an intellectual
, I hate it more than you ever could. It is my addiction and my fucking crutch
. The world may be persecuted by it but I live with it inside me. It sleeps next to me at night polluting my dreams. It walks with me to work, and it invades my nodes while I am unwary.
It makes me want to fight, to scream and to fuck.
It's sort of like being born a horny crack baby.
I don't want it in me anymore. This is its official eviction notice. Screw it. Mother nature and her cronies
can go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut
; I, for one, am through being the god damn evolutionary test rat
or whoever is running this damn game.
I demand absolution for my crimes.
Just a few days ago, a friend of mine, who is normally very calm and collected about women and anger and passion and all that rot
, was stopped mid sentence by a very attractive girl. All she had to do was walk by and he was jolted into a coma
like silence with his eyes glazed over. I could see it; I could see exactly what was going on with my friend
. All he wanted to do was converse and joke
with his friends over iced coffee
and out of nowhere, blam-o, he gets hit; run over by a tall, sculpted, coy looking vision
. He stood about as much of a chance as an opossum has against a Mack truck
You could almost feel the need radiating off him. One minute he is telling a witty story
, the next he (Mr. Cool-and-collected
mind you) is gaping in stunned silence.
But wait, it gets even worse.
See, living with this beast is one thing. You see that
pretty girl and all you can do is stare. You can't play it cool any more than a drunk can stop staggering. But here it is, the modern world, you are not allowed to stare. You are most certainly
not allowed to touch. You, my friend, are fucked
. There is no dance, no mating call
, no right
way to approach this woman. You can try, and in all probability be shot down and
have your exploits retold in an angry tirade later to her girlfriends
. Tough luck pal, there is no support group and no one gives a shit
Here comes the fun part.
Since the 80's and 90's, not only does the world not care about your unwarranted and almost mysteriously random desires
, they have deemed it illegal.
Can't feel that way, have to be the sensitive male
I want to be the goddamn sensitive male
, someone give me a fucking hand here
. Please, take away this magnetic
and unrational pull; take away that weird and foreign desire to hit people. Take away the involuntary gawking
and sexual desires that make me want to tear out my hair.
It's like a little war going on between my head
and my balls. I hope I win.