The Ancient Art of Bitchcraft: or, Making them crawl on their bellies like the worms they are
So, you want to be a bitch? Do you think any platinum-haired, cherry lip gloss wearing, stilleto-heeled, acid-tongued, acrylic-nail having, Dorothy Parker wannabe label whore can honestly be a True Bitch? Yes? Well, you're wrong! Bitchcraft is an ancient and deadly art that requires years of dedication before the tenets of any of its disciplines can truly be mastered.
Although in years past (like the fifties) Bitches have been forced to go underground to avoid persecution at the hands of boorish clods who want them all to be as sweet as Donna Reed or virginal like Doris Day (or in the case of male bitches, as toothachingly pure as Donny Osmond); once more Bitches have resumed their rightful places as the arbiters of fashion and style and the rulers of the social grid.
To aid the novitiate bitch as well as inform those people with nasty dispositions and creative flairs as to how to go about cultivating their natural gifts; I will provide a brief overview of some of the basics of Bitchcraft as well as short descriptions of some of the major bitch disciplines.
Attitude: Any hopeful practitioner of bitchcraft must first learn to develop the proper attitude. Every bitch must realize that he or she is far superior to any other living being on this earth. The Bitch must then learn to resent those other beings for being inferior and forcing the bitch to rely on herself for any sort of fitting company. Once the bitch has learned resentment, the bitch must then do two things; make certain that the inferior beings know how superior he/she is and make them suffer for being inferior.
Acid Tongue and Razor Wit: Now that the Bitch has decided to make humanity suffer for its inferiority, he or she must now learn how to use the tools with which to make them cry out to the heavens for mercy. Like the Erinyes of Greek Myth, the Bitch is out for blood and agony, but the first tool of the trade is not a whip to scourge mankind with, but the tongue. Bitches must learn how to deliver a cutting remark with a clever, incisive observation with devastating cruelty and unerring timing. Anyone can say to Linda Tripp, "Yeah, well.. you're a fat, ugly cow!"; but a Bitch will just smile and say, "Look on the bright side, darling. Muu muus are so much cheaper and easier to have cleaned than my own ensemble, and you never really have to worry about letting yourself go, now do you? There, there, I'll buy you another box of twinkies". Remember, the goal of the bitch is to evoke tears, not just rage.
Daring: A bitch is nothing without daring. All of the wit and cunning in the world is useless if you fear to shock others. Remember, as a Superior being, a bitch is above the petty rules and mores of her lessers. A bitch imposes social code, punishes transgressors and violates it at her convenience. A bitch must not fear, fear is the mind-killer, the little death that brings total obliteration as well as putting a nasty crimp in your timing. If you cannot be bold, you cannot be a bitch.
Disciplines of Bitchcraft
Once the bitch has learned the most basic tenets of the Art; he or she may choose to specialize. While there are many, many types of Bitches, I will provide a brief overview of some of the major archtypes. There is, of course, overlap between many of the disciplines; as well as in-group variation, but for now the Novice Bitch should have a rough idea of what each of the classes are like.
The Rich Bitch This is the easiest discipline in which to specialize. It merely requires lots and lots of money and a nasty disposition. If you have a fortune and enjoy watching your servants crawl, the rich bitch discipline may be for you. Tantrums, behavior unbecoming of an Opera Diva and shrieking are all de rigueur for the Rich Bitch. Nothing is ever "good enough" for a Rich Bitch and she'll be sure to let you know it. Loudly. Rich Bitches inevitably consider socializing outside of their socio-economic bracket to be "slumming". Advanced Bitches may choose to further specialize in Rich Bitch subsets such as the Society Matron Bitch, Elitist Old Money Bitch or the Garish Boozing Nouveau Riche Bitch.
Famous Rich Bitches: Leona Helmsley, Diana Ross, Cruella De Vil, Ted Turner
Quote: "I specifically recall ordering my petit filet mignon medium rare. Do you call this medium rare? Well, missy, where I come from they call this inedible charred lump a charcoal bricquette! How can you expect my delicate palate to endure such barbaric insult?! Someone fire this simp!"
The Clever Bitch: The life of the party, the Belle of the ball, the clever bitch delivers bons mots with sparkling wit and effervescent humor. Everyone loves the clever bitch, except his chosen target for humiliation. The clever bitch keeps an eye out for any gaffe or social faux pas and is always ready to exploit one, with amusing results. The Clever Bitch delights in verbally devastating her opponents and reducing them to inarticulate, frumpy lumps in the eyes of others. An imprudent clever bitch, however, may discover that he has made far more enemies than friends, who despairing of ever beating him in single verbal combat will plot to destroy him in some other manner, or simply contrive to make him persona non grata at social functions. There is a distinct danger of a clever bitch crossing a Rich BitchFamous Clever Bitches: Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde, Quentin Crisp, Truman Capote, Anne Sexton
Quote: "It has often been said that fashion is a form of ugliness so severe that it must be changed every six months, but judging from Lady Pendergast's visage, perhaps it should be changed upon the hour"
The Fashion Bitch: eminently stylish and ultimately chic, the fashion bitch is so on top of things that what she was wearing yesterday is now trendy and what she wore the day before that has already become passe. Fashionistas often begin their careers in High School and are likely to be the children of Rich Bitches or Clever Bitches. They are the arbiters of what's "in" and what's "out" and at the height of their powers, the final word on what is and is not cool. A true fashion bitch can not only get away with wearing white after Labor Day, but make it all the rage to do so. Crossing a fashion bitch is a sure way to get yourself labeled "ensembally challenged" for life.Famous Fashion Bitches: Amber in Clueless, any of the Heathers in Heathers, Mr. Blackwell, Joan Rivers.
Quote: "Dolce & Gabbana is so 1998."
The Sexy Bitch: The sexy bitch has your heart, and intends to dance the macarena on it in stiletto heels. The sexy bitch is gorgeous, alluring, soul-shaking and all of your sweatiest fantasies wound up into one compendium of desire. You want her; she knows it. Sexy Bitches taunt, tease and torment their prey with all the ruthlessness of a Black Widow. Once a Sexy Bitch has left their desired target an emotionally, financially and mentally drained shell of his/her former self, the bitch moves on without ever looking back. No mere gold-digger, a sexy bitch delights most in taking sweet, sensitive souls and twisting them into something unrecognizable. Sexy Bitches are the most likely to marry elderly billionaires after a torrid affair with some subsequently devastated Hollywood hunk.Famous Sexy Bitches: Marilyn Monroe, Helen of Troy, Rock Hudson, Mae West, Anna Nicole Smith, James Dean
Quote: "Oh, aren't you just darling? A crush? On me?"
The Psycho Bitch: Becoming a psycho bitch requires creativity, patience and the ability to hold a grudge forever. If you've ever been the victim of a revenge scheme so twisted and evil that you could do nothing but scream, "that crazy bitch!", you've probably annoyed a psycho bitch. Not content to make people suffer through words alone, the psycho bitch takes decisive and monstrous action. A psycho bitch is the type of person who would steal your new, uninsured car, take it to an abandoned field and set it afire and then listen sadly and sympethatically as you tearfully tell her about the awful tragedy that left you without an automobile but with automobile payments. A psycho bitch can kill her parents and then ask for mercy because she is an orphan. A favorite tactic of the psycho bitch is for her to appear to forgive her enemy and then wait for months until exacting a devastating and monstrous revenge. The psycho bitch is also the most likely to wind up shanked in prison.Famous Psycho Bitches: Lisa "left-eye" Lopes, Medea, Lucrezia Borgia, Tonya Harding
Quote: "That's simply awful. Tell me all about it while I make us some tea."
With these basics of Bitchcraft, it is hoped that the novitiate and hopeful bitch will have a better understanding of the underlying principles behind this ancient art. It is recommended that anyone desirous of becoming truly bitchy put in several hours of study and meditation upon the tenets of Bitchcraft nightly.