Have you ever left the house, gone somewhere only to find yourself in an embarrassing situation a few hours later because you forgot something before you left? Well, fear not, because now there is a checklist you can go through before you leave the house. No more embarassing situations, everyone's happy!
1. Am I wearing pants?
Many people will deny the importance of asking yourself this, but don't be fooled. In Western society, at least, there are certain taboos about not covering one's groin. So make sure to check, if you don't have at least loincloth sized coverage, you aren't covered enough, go find something to wear. Now you may be fancy and always remember to put your pants on, and if you are, I envy you, but for the rest of us, be sure to check, and prevent embarrassment.
2. Do I know where I am?
Normally, when you go outside, you will know where you are, but its always good to get in the habit of checking. I don't need to know the details why you wouldn't know where you were, maybe you had a few too many to drinks and that cheerleader you are stalking decided to go to a party way out where you've never been before. Soon you'll find yourself passed out in the bushes covered in vomit and clutching desperately to your binoculars. If you can't seem to remember where you are, look around for signs of things that are familiar. If you can't find any, see if you can find a store of some sort, or a person to ask where you are. If you don't want to explain why you don't know where you are, just ask for directions to a place near your house, that always fools them.
3. Does the mob/a federal agency hate me?
This question is especially important if you are driving. If the answer is yes, try and find some neighborhood kids who want to learn how to start a car, if you know what I mean *wink-wink*. If you are, don't make any phone calls telling people where exactly you are going out to, your wire may be tapped, and if they are right on your trail, make a series of desperate-sounding phone calls telling people to meet you at a specific, dark alleyway to "resolve the problem", then get the hell out of state/country.
4. How long has it been since I last took a shower?
As a rule of thumb, if you can count off the months since you last took a shower on both hands, you shouldn't go out quite yet. Now, not to offend those people who only take showers on years that end in "5", but there are certain grooming standards that Western society holds. I know, I know, its an oppressive system, but what are you going to do? Just live your life as best you can.
5. Is reality just a construct of my mind?
If you aren't absolutely sure that you exist and that all of reality isn't just something you thought up one day and you are actually just some head in a jar imagining all this, or this is just some kind of crazy elaborate dream, then do not go out. You can't be worrying about whether or not people and things exist while trying to get things done, it's better to just sit down and think it out. Maybe you don't even exist, maybe sentience is just an illusion, did you ever think of that? Who knows...
6. Am I fat/ugly?
Not all humans are amazing specimens of beauty like myself *flexes*, and we can't have fat and ugly people walking around our streets, can we? Just do a quick check in the mirror before going out. If you scream in terror, or if you cannot see the sides of your body in a full length mirror, its best to stay inside. Also, you may be used to your hideous appearance, so go ahead and ask someone you know to take a look. When they comfort you and tell you that you look fine, look for that lying look in their eyes. If you can see it, quickly run to your room crying and lock the door.
7. Do I know where I am going?
Its OK if you don't know where you are going, life can be fun if you are just adventuring around, however, order can also be fun. If you can't think of anywhere to go, but you want to get out of your house, try these suggestions:
- A sleasy bar. Nothing's more fun than getting drunk and telling your depressing life's story to a one-eyed bartender in a filthy rathole.
- A cheap motel. Find yourself a $12 whore and bring him/her back to a cheap motel for a few hours of passionless, unfullfilling sex. You may feel dirty afterwards, but you'll always remember this. (Not recommended when married unless you hate your wife/husband).
- A good friend's house. If you choose this one, wait until its really late at night, or really early in the morning, that way, you can make your friend miserable by forcing them to be a good host when they are obviously too tired to. Remember, misery loves company!
8. Do I have all my fingers?
If you walk out of the house and then remember, "D'oh! I only have 3 fingers on my left hand!", you'll be pissed. People will stare and you will look like a freak! So make sure that when you go out and you realize you don't have enough fingers, put on a glove and stuff the remaining fingers. You can probably fool someone for a while, but if you become close friends with someone, you are probably going to need something a bit more permanant
9. Have I had my caffeine intake today?
I don't know what people you hang around with, but in my circle, if you aren't buzzing around like a hummingbird on crack, you get a beat down. So remember, 8 cups of coffee is never enough. It's OK to take a bathroom break between pots.
10. Do I really wanna keep living?
Really now, if you are going outside and you don't have that zest for life anymore, what is the point of living? There are plenty of dangers you can submit yourself to outside. There are cars you can jump in front of, cliffs you can jump off of, telephone polls you can drive into. Life is full of dangerous stuff, and if you wanna die, think of where you wanna go. If not, STAY INSIDE AT ALL COSTS. There are bugs outside, and the air is filled with nasty toxins, and the sun causes cancer. It's the worst place for a non-suicidal person. Stay inside!!!
Now you have all you need to have a productive life outside, and at no cost! You can thank me later, I'm going outside