So I heard a guy order someone to turn in his man card tody...

All the offender did was kiss a guy on the cheek. There are at least 50 countries where this is an acceptable form of greeting, because they don’t follow the American rules of masculinity, which make “no hugging no kissing” seem positively affectionate

But isn't it also considered manly to refuse to be ordered around? To not play by the rules, to be effective as a lone hero?Liek Dirty Harry or Rambo or the lone cowboy or what have you.

To that end, I came up wth ten suitably forthright responses a man might use, for any occasion.


1. Man card? Who’s issuing these cards anyway? Is there a central authority? Are we born with them? Do we have to earn them? I’m fairly certain somebody told me to hand in my man card when I was still a boy.

2. Oh, that thing? I must have left it at home. Wait, here it is – no, wait, this is my bullshit detector. Oh look, it’s pointing at you! BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. 

3. I thought my man card was already gone. I thought it had been taken. I mean, there was this ad for a semiautomatic rifle that read “consider your man card reissued”, so somebody must have revoked it.

5. You’re too late! I’ve had ten people already tell me to give the card up. But they were too late! Because the evil feminists, the feminazis, already took all our man cards away so they could make us all prissy and feminine! Look how well it worked! 

6. What, are you making a collection? Guess what, I’ve already got enough to make a deck! We can battle man cards! I’ve got Muscleman, Fireman, Mustache Man, and The Man!

7. Who are you, and why do you think it's okay to elbow your way into this conversation? Do you do this to everyone? How many people have you told to turn in their man cards? How many of them are still speaking to you? Do you even care? 

8. Look, I’m white, you’re white, and if you were brown and it was a hundred fifty years ago I would have been telling you to hand in your man card. I would have done it specifically to dehumanize you. I would have wanted to make you feel like something lesser than me. I wanted to make you feel like shit. No, wait, I’ve worked on a farm. Shit is useful. Let’s say, gravel. Pond scum. Craft glitter. The phrase you just used has a bloody past, and sure as guns, germs, and steel, it was the weapon of a conqueror. And now you're using it to make me feel lesser than you, because it's supposedly manly to go around making people feel lesser. There's been enough bloodshed based on that idea. Stop this now.

9. What kind of masculinity needs a goddamn card in order to be legitimate?

10. No.

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