I piss off a lot of people every day of my life, to the point where I spend as much time grovelling as offending. So, in order to free up time to allow me to focus on alienation (and writing my column for the Daily Mail), I have created this all purpose disclaimer! If I have directed you here, then please do the following:

(1) Print out the form
(2) Tick the boxes and fill in the spaces
(3) Post it to me

I will then send you a signed copy in return which constitutes a full and unconditional apology*.

If you're a person of questionable people skills like me, feel free to use this form as well.

Dear _______________,

Now that the drunken haze has lifted, fallen again, lifted again and is now settling in a sort of whiskey-tinged twilight, I find myself thinking about what happened on ________________.

I am so, so, so sorry for my behaviour. I was completely wrong to(Tick where appropriate):

_ Call you a complete and utter _____________
_ Steal your _______________ and then ________ on it
_ Threaten to shove a _________ up your ____________
_ Punch your (girlfriend / boyfriend / dog / mother / car / genitals) Delete where applicable
_ Have sex with your (girlfriend / boyfriend / dog / mother / car / genitals) Delete where applicable
I realise now that you were right – I am an absolute ____________ with a face like a _____________. I am beneath your contempt, and deserve a sharp, swift kick to the _____________. If it’s any consolation, I will gladly:
_ Publicly admit that I am a _____________
_ Wash your ___________ and dry it with my _____________
_ Stand outside ____________ wearing a sign saying "___________________"
_ Rip off my own ___________ with a rusty _____________
_ Buy you a ___________ and feed it every day.
_ Pay for your ___________ surgery.
_ Apologise in person (please only tick this option in cases of extreme offence, i.e. dead family members)
Please though, forgive me. My life is an empty void without you. And you still have my keys.

Eternal Love,

bol, bastard

* Your statutory rights are not affected. Forgiveness is desired but not essential. Not applicable in North Korea

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