This Writeup Contains Spoilers
It can't go wrong can it? It's snakes
, on a plane
. It's about snakes, smuggled on to a plane. Two of the best movie elements ever (plus Samuel L. Jackson
), and surely it can't fail. Can it?
Apart from the less-than-impressive title (Jackson has admitted that he only took the role because of it), I thought it would be a commendable action film
with well-placed horror elements
in just the right amounts
as I walked into the theater yesterday and took my seat.
The film opens with shots of Hawaii
an surf, before focussing on a motorcyclist
riding around the island
. Initial disappointment
at the revelation that this is not Jackson when he takes his helmet off soon fades, as a man drops into the scene hanging by his ankles, and is promptly beaten to death with a baseball bat
O-kay. Fast forward
a little way and we find that the man was the prosecuting lawyer
for some terrorist
, the motorcyclist (whose name is Sean) is a witness and is required to fly to LA
to testify against him. Can you see where this is going?
Sean, Samuel and another FBI agent take up the whole of the first class
cabin, and we take off, albeit not without some objections
from the first-class passengers
bumped down to coach. But they now have a new worry, as there are now snakes. On a plane. Somehow smuggled on board, they are released in the cargo hold
, and after devouring a few baby kittens
down there, make their way to the cabin
Actually, not straight to the cabin. They take out one of the pilots, a couple having sex in the bathroom
(a milk snake
clings to her breast
, ironically) and a guy peeing with his eyes closed. Guess where that
snake bites him. OK, so we know the film is not above fairly crude humour
, but that's not enough
to condemn the film is it?
Snakes drop down with the oxygen masks
. A snake devours a pet chihuahua
(you see it coming a mile off). A snake eats a large business man
whole. Snakes corner a honeymooning couple
and spit venom
at them, another bites a ten-year-old boy, another bites a bodyguard on the ass
. It's kind of fun, but our witness for the prosecution is still unharmed. There must have been a better way to kill him off, surely? Like a bomb?
Well by now, the snakes are trapped in the coach section by an inflatable rubber dinghy
(Great! That should stop an army of 500 snakes from getting up here!) and plans are made to organise medical help
in LAX. Bring in the poisonous snakes
expert! It seems that the snakes are from all over the world
, and no hospital can get antivenom
for everyone within the next few days. Fortunately though, we know that only one man has the resources to get this many snakes on the plane, and he has all the antivenom that's needed.
Blah blah blah, where are we? I think I fell asleep
for a minute there. We're coming in to land at LAX
? We need to get rid of all the snakes?
"Enough is enough
. I have had it with these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane! I'm gonna open some windows."
Great idea Sammy. Shooting the windows out eliminates all the snakes. Everyone's freezing
, repeatedly being battered
by objects getting sucked out and everyone's holding on for dear life
, but at least there's no more muthafuckin' snakes. The plane is landed by an inept lard-ass
who plays flight simulators
on his PlayStation 2
, and is thus ready to land a half-depleted jumbo jet
at a bustling international airport
. Sod this
, I'm leaving. Oh wait, they're exchanging phone numbers
. Everyone's OK. Now
can I leave? Oh all right, a departing shot of Jackson surfing
, then I'm definitely off.
Snakes On A Plane is a cross between Final Destination
, without any of things that made those movies great. SOAP can't decide if it wants to be an action
, a thriller
, a comedy
or a horror
, and instead of being all four it is stuck between them, dancing between them, all the time making a fool of itself. It's ridiculous, it's unrealistic, it's a mess and it's overrated. Still, 4chan
seems to like it.