Following complaints made to the International Rugby Board (IRB) about
the New Zealand All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by
performing the Haka before their games, other nations were asked to suggest
pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 organising
committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
1. The England team will complain about the weather, wave
hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how
they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that
everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "what the fuck are
you lookin' at, Jimmy?" before smashing Irn Bru bottles over their
3. The Ireland team will split in two, with the southern
half performing Riverdance while the northerners march their traditional,
highly controversial route from their dressing room to the pitch, via the
opponents' dressing room.
4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of
opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-goals-areas"
and then be forcibly removed by England players.
5. Two members of the South Africa team will claim to be
more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts
whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time.
In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the
most important team in the tournament, won it single-handedly, and Hollywood
will make a film called "Saving No.8 Lyle."
7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsellaise
and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8. Italy's team will arrive in Armani suits, sexually
harass the female stewards and then run away.
9. Spain will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow
it and then claim it was all in line with EU Grass Quotas. They will then curl
up under the posts and have a kip until half-time, when their appeal for
compensation against the UK Government for illegally occupying their changing
rooms will be heard.
10. Japan will attempt to strengthen their team by
offering good salaries to the key opposition players, and then run around the
pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with
a subsidy from the UK Government).
11. The French will declare they have new scientific
evidence that all England players, and all who come into contact with them,
are mad. They will then strike, park lorries across the pitch, let sheep loose
in the opposition half, and burn the officials.
12. The Australian team will have a barbie before
negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then
invite all their mates over to live with them in Shepherd's Bush and laugh at
Britain's inability to rid itself of such Australian throwbacks as Rolf
Harris, Neighbours and Germaine Greer.
13. Unfortunately the committee were unable to accept the
Wales team's suggestion following complaints from animal rights organisations.