A sarcastic look at how the media turned 'punk' into a fashion and how you can join in the fun!
How To Be
Punk!
... in 30 minutes or less.
Obtaining
punk hair for guys:
Ones hair must be done in such a manner: Guys, use a gallon of anything
sticky to maintain 8 inch
Freedom Spikes on a windy day, not to mention sweating profusely in the middle of a
circle pit at a
hardcore punk rock show. Thing to consider:
Elmer's glue, hair cement, good ol' syrup anyone?, and if you are really daring have one of your other guy friends
spunk in your hair, if you ever seen the movie '
There's something about Mary'
semen seems to do a damn good job in keeping your hair stiff.
Punk hair for girls:
If you want to be a
Punk Rock chick you should have little to no hair. Being bald isn't for old men and
skinheads anymore! Don't be afraid to use your razor to get the '
Bic' effect either. I recommend the
Mach 3 Turbo, But feel free to use whatever. There is no need for any type of grooming if you want to really be
punk, but bleaching and dying your hair is a must! You might want to try any of the seemingly
trendy colors blue, hot pink, green, orange, purple or any combination therein. If you want to get really crafty, why not try and leave a little hair and dye in some patterns, this might include:
stripes,
polka-dots, leopard spots,
checkerboard, and if you are really good a nice
plaid pattern would be ultimate.
Moving right along down your body, now that we have your hair finished, your face.
There are two main ingredients here,
eyeliner and
glitter.
Eyeliner is a must for both
male and
female punks, but lets leave the
glitter to the females. After all, you're going out into public, there are going to be
punks everywhere, you want to make sure you don't get your ass kicked by
skinhead for being a
pansy.
Accessories. We all need them. If your planning on being a
punk rocker you will need some supplies.
Spikes,
chains,
safety pins,
padlocks,
braces (and not the kind, your dentist puts on you),
studs,
patches, and
leather stuff. You will also want to have bracelets and necklaces in excess. The more you have, the more
punk you are. (keep telling yourself that). Have plenty of
1 inch buttons with your favorite punk bands, punk record labels,
anti-nazi symbols,
anarchy signs, and
offensive sayings. I almost forgot..
ZIPPERS! You can tell how
punk someone really is by the amount of useless
zippers on their
clothing. For example: PuNkBoB1 is wearing jeans, he only has one
functional zipper, and you guessed it its the one right underneath his one
functional button. Now, PuNkBob2 is wearing his super stylish red
plaid bondage pants that he bought at
hot topic for 55 bucks. He has a total of 18
zippers (none that are functional), and an ultra added bonus two '
bondage straps' that also serve no purpose.
The end result.. 18 > 1= PuNkBob2 is more punk!
Believe it or not the
punk dress is probably the most least complicated of them all.
First off,
punk dress sees no
gender. Remember that, anything goes.
You will get best results however by wearing anything
plaid (even Grandpa's old
golf pants), non named brand anything (we
punk's hate
labels and
corporations!
oi! ), anything that is
homemade is always more "
Punk",
ripped jeans,
tight jeans,
baggy jeans,
spandex,
latex,
cut off slacks, anything
acid washed,
mismatched socks, and always the basic black.
Guys and gals alike should have a
jean jacket (preferably one from the
80's worn out and
acid washed) affix many of your
spikes,
studs,
pins, and
1 inch buttons, as mentioned in the accessories section. Be creative! This
jacket is a direct reflection of you! If its punk, you've got to display it. Don't forget your
back patch, if you cant afford one, cut the logo from your favorite band's t shirt and use that. You can than write a nice
FUCK YOU or
punk rock lyrics with a
sharpie marker.
Body art.
Piercings and
tattoos. This is a must, normally this would go under accessories, but in this case its part of the dress. Have as many
piercings as humanly possible on your face, just hope your band will make it someday and you wont need to hold a job in
corporate America.
Tattoos are great, you should have lots, big ones, small ones, it doesn't matter as long as you have them!
Nearly done now, your so
punk I can smell you already. You need shoes though. This isn't a big challenge either you have your choice between 3 (oh so hypocritical) brands:
All star Chuck Taylor Converse (America's shoe): Whether they are low top, high top,
American flag ridden,
camouflage,
plaid, green,
shit-stained,
bloodstained,
duct taped,
two-tone checker board or the really annoying hot pink, and my favorite the One-star you are safe with any kind.
Vans: Not to many choices here, there
skate shoes, if you are going for the
punk who is not only
hardcore but
skateboards, or often I see more holding the board to look cool than actually riding on it,
Vans are for you.
Vans are also a good choice if you are into
ska/
punk or don't want to wear
converse because you want to be at least a little comfortable (if you've ever wore converse they aren't really good for walking around, they lack nice comfy support padding) because a great band called '
The Suicide Machines'wrote an awesome song called "
The Vans Song"
Doc Martins: For anyone who wants to be
hardcore-for-sure. In my opinion the most
durable boot ever made. I have had a pair going on 10 years now, granted they are beat up, they have soles to last a lifetime. They are also backed by a
lifetime guarantee. They come in steel-toe and non-steel toe, knee-high, and other standard boot designs.
Now that you have read all of this you are ready to start your day tomorrow. So heres the plan.
Wake up: Don't Shower.
Get dressed: throw anything on in 2 minutes or less.
Do hair : (if you are a guy, those
freedom spikes might take a little while to perfect, especially on the first try)
Find accessories: Install
jewelry in one of many holes in and on your face, and put on your
eyeliner.
Take a look in the mirror: Are you
punk yet?
Arm yourself with a
Discman or portable radio and don't forget your '
Punk Rock'.
Slip on your
Chucks, yesterdays
socks, and head for the
mall
When you arrive at the
mall or anywhere in public remember not to smile. That's not punk.Keep in mind when you are meeting and seeing other people no one is '
punker than you'.Grab random people that look '
punk', hand them your
Discman, play them a song.Tell them to name it, If they can they're
punk in your book, if not than tell them to
fuck off..
poser.