Chapter Three of the Winter Camp Chronicles

Since we began operating this summer camp in the winter, we had five counselors quit over what I will say were philosopical differences. As a result, we actually have open positions. The extremely sick man who owns this camp and pays us has been asking us to hire replacements like forever. So, after we watched Great Moments in Sports History, we began to see the five social workers who ended up hanging out and watching with us as potential new counselors. We asked if they were interested.

"We get to really take out our frustrations on a bunch of snot-nosed kids? Count me in!"

Basically, they defected. It was like when those commies used to defect (which is not the same as defecate, no matter what the content editors here tell you - those links ought to help you sort it out). They had come over to the wholesome side. Wholesome does not necessarily mean the exact same thing as "homosexual," no matter what the content editors here try to tell you. Those links ought to help you sort it out. Counselor Jerome is a homosexual, but he's not exactly wholesome, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

When I was a little girl, I used to have a hairbrush. That was something, let me tell you. Always used to get that thing stuck in my vagina. I hope you don't have to look that word up. I know that homosexual men have no interest in vaginas, but one should at least have a passing knowledge of human anatomy. Knowledge is a good thing, even if it is about things you are not sexually attracted to. I rest my case and move on.

We wanted to live in peace, but we knew there would soon be another wave. This wave might bring tactical equipment including tanks. We were not prepared for that, and we had five new staff to train in forcing children to live in heatless cabins in northern Maine in cold weather. We're a bunch of chill motherfuckers. So, we hired our own tactical unit from a bunch of guys who are awaiting trial for their part in that January 6th business. They took out every cop within a hundred mile radius. They took over a town in the process. We built new roads, bridges, and schools for the town. We even built them an airport and repaired the fence around Mrs. Connor's yard. We became popular with the townsfolk. They were now supporting our cause. "Guaranteed twelve months employment for camp counselors! Paid procreation leave! Lots of bennies! Good looking doctors with zero co-pay!"

I was in my cabin when the news broke. I was listening intently on my camp counselor issued transistor radio when they talked about it on right-wing talk radio. And that was how I missed the two goobers coming into my cabin, grabbing a fistful of my panties, and running off into the woods. It was two of the new hires. I grabbed my automatic weapon and my entirely necessary under the circumstances armor-piercing bullets, and headed out into the woods.

In retrospect, I probably should have brought back-up. I was enraged and not thinking clearly. I needed a Shasta.

I walked straight into a trap. The panty raiders had set me up. It was a ruse. The social workers hadn't defected after all. They had infiltrated. They were undercover operatives. I had a net thrown over me and a bunch of the actual Little Rascals grabbed the net and dragged me to the woods to a van. I was put in the back. The van took off down a dirt road, made several turns onto paved streets, and then pulled up in front of a big house.

"Get out, bitch."

"Where are you taking me?"

"To the head of the local PTA. You're fucked now, you child-freezing-without-caring psycho."

This was not holiday talk. I didn't care for it. I demand respect from people less attractive that me.

I was taken inside. They pushed me and made me walk down a long hallway and go into a room that looked like a temple. And all these people came out looking all Eyes Wide Shut and shit. There was this lady in an emerald ball gown and a mask sitting on a throne. They made me stand in front of her as she looked down at me and laughed.

"Your petty evils bore me," she said and laughed some more. Frankly, she sounded like a complete idiot when she laughed. It was offensive.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, bitch, throwing a damn net around me and dragging me here? Fuck is up with that shit?"

"I am Grand Empress Karen. I am aware of what goes on at your little operation in the woods. I want a piece of it."

"You'll have to talk to Mr. Yul Brenner-Thomas. He owns the place."

"No, I shall not trifle with him. And I want you to get rid of the negroes on your plantation."


"And the homosexuals. I am sick of cancel culture and political correctness and lockdowns and space lasers... I want in."

"What you are saying is very offensive to me. I wish you would stop."

"I already got rid of one of your negroes--"

"Stop saying that word! You are pissing me off, lady!"

"Grand Empress Karen, bitch." She turned and snapped her finger. "Footman, have her stripped down and oiled up. I want her ready for my husband. He's been looking for a new plaything."

"What? Shut up already you psycho, racist, homophobic, Eyes Wide Shut party-having bitch!"

Bunch of the Eyes Wide Shut dudes came over and grabbed me and started pulling off my clothes. I was only wearing extremely short shorts and a tight little t-shirt with no bra, so it didn't take them long. Then they got out this big thing of oil and slathered me with it.

They stepped away. This thing that looked like it was half-man and half-alligator came through a door behind Grand Empress Karen and sauntered towards me.


Oh shit, I thought. This is some crazy, fucked up shit going on right now. I tried to get away, but although they'd stepped away, the Eyes Wide Shut guys were all around me and they just pushed me into the middle of this open area on the floor and that thing came up and grabbed me.

"Sex now!"

"Oh no... what the fuck are you? What the fuck do you think you are doing! Hey, I do not give you permission... motherfucker stop!"

It was awful. This thing put me on the floor and then sweet talked me into having intercourse with him. He stopped, asked if I was sure, and I kissed him and he put this weird kind of penis that was reptilian and thought independently inside me. It was creepy as fuck, but kind of a great experience.

"What the fuck am I having sex with!" I moaned out as I reached climax.

Then I passed out. When I woke up, the throne room was a normal looking living room and there was this totally different, very normal couple looking at me.

"Can we help you?"

"Who are you people? Look, I was kidnapped and taken here... there was some throne room here with this weird ass racist chick married to an alligator man..."

"Call the psychiatrist in town, honey. Tell him we've got another one."

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