Theme Park in North Yorkshire.

Lightwater Valley is very much a poor man's Alton Towers. After contented decades as a working show farm with a couple of swings and an adventure playground bolted on, the owners sold up to a massive international conglomerate who set about turning the Valley into the Disney World of the North of England.

By 1992, The Ultimate was the largest rollercoaster in the world and was the main attraction of the park. Backing it up was Britain's only double-loop rollercoaster (The Soopa Loopa - sold in 1993 to pay the final installment on the Ultimate), Britain's largest Pirate ship, and Britain's only completely underground rollercoaster (The Rat - now officially Britain's only completely rubbish rollercoaster).

The highlight of the park's life so far has been the news coverage surrounding one certifiable couple who got married aboard the Ultimate. Staff sang hymns as the happy couple were thrown around the track at breakneck pace. It is not known at this time whether the marriage was a success.

Lightwater Valley is the staple school trip destination for teenagers from Newcastle and the North East, and from Leeds and West Yorkshire. This invariably leads to one week of utter carnage featuring little scallies from two of the worst areas of the country running rampant around the park, and frequent sightings of Asian lads borderline sexually-assaulting Geordie slappers in Kappa tracksuits, and staff members beating up idiots who decided to take the go-karts joy-riding.

As a former employee of the park, i can honestly say that i never had so much fun. And the trees surrounding the park provide perfect cover for illicit smoking, drinking and macking on girls who dig the staff uniforms...

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