Name: Cosmo Kramer
AKA: Doctor Martin Von Nostrand
, and H.E. Pennypacker
, The Assman
, and Newman
. Kramer also
seems to have an unlimited supply of strange characters and individuals that pop up on the show. The recurring Bob Sakamano
always has advice for Kramer, but he has never been seen.
B I O
Cosmo Kramer is THE out-there wacky and strange neighbor of the sit-com. Michael Richards has garnered 2
emmys (Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series) for his performance of Kramer and they were well earned. His character
commands attention as soon as he bursts through the swinging door - but he can also disappear without a trace in Batman-like
fashion. Ever since meeting Jerry Seinfeld when Jerry moved in next-door to him, whatever is Jerry's has been Kramer's, especially any and all of the food in his fridge.
Jerry puts up with it most likely for the constant entertainment that is The Assman. In fact, Kramer is based upon Jerry's RL friend, Kenny Kramer. You wouldn't think that this unemployed,
strange, lanky man would have much success in life, but he is able to survive without a job and has an
uncanny ability with women. His is the gift of mystical luck.
Since he doesn't have the burden of employement, Kramer has a lot of time on his hands in order to play out his incessant
schemes, usually pairing up with only one of the other characters on the show as a team. His usual partner-in-mischief is his
best-friend Newman, who just happens to be Jerry's arch-nemesis. While he definitely can be known by just
one name as Kramer, his first name is revealed in The Switch as Cosmo by his mother Babs. At first Kramer is
aghast, but then embraces the name and we the viewers think, how apropos. If you wish to have the spirit of Kramer with you
at all times (and just can't seem to catch the over-syndicated Seinfeld reruns) then you can purchase a poster of the
painting that was a portrait of the man himself. An elderly couple becomes obsessed with its mystique in The Letter. It can
also be said that Kramer was the first character in pop-culture to voice a very common phobia, the intense fear of
clowns. Eh, blame Stephen King.
- ≡ -
S C H E M E S
After adopting a highway, Kramer becomes quite attached to it, keeping it immaculate and even widening the
lanes of his section by repainting the lines so that drivers can have more room.
Realizing the boon of a higher redemption value of aluminum in other states, Kramer plots with Newman to take a truck
filled with cans over the state-line.
Kramer is a man who loves his eggs - and freshness. After purchasing a chicken for the freshest eggs possible, and realizing that it is a rooster, Kramer agrees to have "little Jerry
Seinfeld" cockfight another rooster. The motivation? Not that he needs one, but to get Jerry's bad check taken down from a
Little person friend, Mickey, and Kramer are off to the hospital to test their acting chops on this one. Medical students
need people to diagnose for practice, but after Kramer gives a stunning performance of having gonorrhea, he is upset at
being typecast by the hospital staff and steals Mickey's role. One really shouldn't piss Mickey off.
Never afraid of sabotage, Kramer plans to get back at the laundromat that stole Jerry's money by filling a
washer with a bag of cement. The plan goes off without a hitch and the machine is destroyed, but it turns out that they
didn't steal Jerry's money after all, and it's then used for repairs. D'oh!
- ≡ -
P H I L O S O P H Y
Kramer on Sex and Dating :
KRAMER: If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going. ep
Kramer on Cosmology :
KRAMER: I'm at 1st and 1st. Wait a minute, how can a street intersect into itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe! ep
Kramer on his Mystique :
(After Kramer sleeps with Susan's girlfriend)
ELAINE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has never been with a
man her entire life.
KRAMER: (Very smugly) I'm Kramer. ep
Kramer on Friendship :
KRAMER: Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o’clock in the morning to tell me
he’s going up onto the roof to kill himself.
JERRY: Well, what’d you say?
KRAMER: I said 'Jump.' Well, he’s been threatening to do this for years. I said 'Look, if you’re gonna kill yourself do it
already and stop bothering me.' At least I’d respect the guy for accomplishing something. ep
Kramer on Cultural Practices :
KRAMER: Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his
first memory. Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered lunch? ep
Kramer on Spirituality :
KRAMER: I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun! Very monastic. ep
Kramer on Humor :
KRAMER: You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: 'It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one'. ep
Kramer on Comfort-Wear :
KRAMER: I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house! ep