Part n in the series "What If Hollywood Would Make A Movie About The Apocalypse." (Wait, they've already made a bunch of movies like this. Even one that had Big Arnie. Never mind...)

The following text was a continuation to the tradition of darkly humorous advertising for upcoming Big Game Sessions in Finnish roleplaying conventions.

Other such ads I've seen included war RPG stuff like "Charlie Doesn't Surf" (Vietnam RPG) and "Kollaa Will Hold" (WWII, Finnish front).

Regrettably, I haven't seen any of these events in person, but if the events were half the fun the ads promise, they had to be good...

(I don't have the permission from the author to include this here, but this was sent to Usenet anyway and can be found from all self-respecting Usenet archives. Original (relevant) message headers included below; The parts of the ad that were in Finnish were translated by y.t.)

From: Hannu Rajaniemi <>
Newsgroups: sfnet.harrastus.pelit.rooli
Subject: JESUS III - THE JUDGEMENT DAY Ropeconissa
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 08:17:20 +0300
Message-ID: <>
Organization: University of Oulu

(The light dims. The projector starts to buzz. A Sonera GSM commercial appears on the screen, and tired comments can be heard from among the audience. Popcorn bags rattle. And then...)

Narrator (Deep baritone): From the producers of Godzilla ... the amazing sequel to Bible!

(Jerry Bruckenheimer and Don Smith production company's logo flashes on the screen for an instant. Dark clouds flow, on fast-forward, over New York City, flashes of thunder illuminating it. Camera pan among the skyscrapers: Gargoyles dripping with water whoosh past... and a flash.)

Narrator: He was the Son of God...

(Camera moves to show black army boots on wet asphalt, gliding slowly up, revealing Jesus (bearded Keanu Reeves), in black leather coat and sunglasses.)

Narrator: ... come at last to meet His true destiny...

(The street rips in two, lava flies about, as the special effects teaser shows a quick flash of CGI Lucifer rising from the Hell!)

Narrator: ... The Prince of Darkness!

(Heavy metal soundtrack starts to play, and series of quick flashes follows: Jesus firing two automatic pistols at red CGI demons, leaping through a window, with lots of broken glass flying around...)

Narrator: ... and His true love...

(Mary Magdalene (Selma Hayek) and Jesus kiss in rain, accompanied by romantic music...)

Narrator: ... to find vengeance ...

(Jesus and Judas (Steve Buscemi) pointing each other at face with automatic pistols, about meter from each other. Strobe lights on background.)

Jesus: I'm back, Judas!
Judas: I knew this was going to be a bad day!

Narrator: ... On Judgement Day!

(Flash. Jesus standing on top of a skyscraper, arms extended as if being crucified, holding automatic pistols on hands, yelling "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!". Lightning bolts flash on the background.)

Narrator: This Messiah doesn't bring peace... but a sword...

(Flash. The text "COMING SOON" fills the screen. On the background, we can hear two more sounds.)

Judas: God damn it, J.C., we're gonna FUCKIN' DIE!
Jesus: The first time is always the hardest.


Premiere in Ropecon. Saturday.

Written and Directed by Hanny Rajaniemi.

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