Part n in the series "What If Hollywood Would Make A Movie
About The Apocalypse." (Wait, they've already made a bunch of
movies like this. Even one that had Big Arnie. Never mind...)
The following text was a continuation to the tradition of
darkly humorous advertising for upcoming Big Game Sessions in Finnish
Other such ads I've seen included war RPG stuff like
"Charlie Doesn't Surf" (Vietnam RPG) and
"Kollaa Will Hold" (WWII, Finnish front).
Regrettably, I haven't seen any of these events in person, but if
the events were half the fun the ads promise, they had to be
(I don't have the permission from the author to
include this here, but this was sent to Usenet anyway and can be found
from all self-respecting Usenet archives. Original (relevant) message
headers included below; The parts of the ad that were in Finnish
were translated by y.t.)
From: Hannu Rajaniemi <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: JESUS III - THE JUDGEMENT DAY Ropeconissa
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 08:17:20 +0300
Organization: University of Oulu
(The light dims. The projector starts to buzz. A
Sonera GSM commercial appears on the screen, and tired comments
can be heard from among the audience. Popcorn bags rattle. And
Narrator (Deep baritone): From the producers of
Godzilla ... the amazing sequel to Bible!
(Jerry Bruckenheimer and Don Smith production company's logo
flashes on the screen for an instant. Dark clouds flow, on
fast-forward, over New York City, flashes of thunder illuminating
it. Camera pan among the skyscrapers: Gargoyles dripping with water
whoosh past... and a flash.)
Narrator: He was the Son of God...
(Camera moves to show black army boots on wet asphalt, gliding
slowly up, revealing Jesus (bearded Keanu Reeves), in black
leather coat and sunglasses.)
Narrator: ... come at last to meet His true
(The street rips in two, lava flies about, as the special
effects teaser shows a quick flash of CGI Lucifer rising from
Narrator: ... The Prince of Darkness!
(Heavy metal soundtrack starts to play, and series of quick
flashes follows: Jesus firing two automatic pistols at red CGI demons,
leaping through a window, with lots of broken glass flying
Narrator: ... and His true love...
(Mary Magdalene (Selma Hayek) and Jesus kiss in rain,
accompanied by romantic music...)
Narrator: ... to find vengeance ...
(Jesus and Judas (Steve Buscemi) pointing each other at face
with automatic pistols, about meter from each other. Strobe lights
Jesus: I'm back, Judas!
Judas: I knew this was going to be a bad day!
Narrator: ... On Judgement Day!
(Flash. Jesus standing on top of a skyscraper, arms extended as if
being crucified, holding automatic pistols on hands, yelling
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!". Lightning bolts flash on the background.)
Narrator: This Messiah doesn't bring
peace... but a sword...
(Flash. The text "COMING SOON" fills the screen. On the
background, we can hear two more sounds.)
Judas: God damn it, J.C., we're gonna FUCKIN'
Jesus: The first time is always the hardest.
Premiere in Ropecon. Saturday.
Written and Directed by Hanny Rajaniemi.