So, I guess this is it; another year passes and leaves all of us. As I prepare to say Goodbye, I softly recall everything that's happened.
With all good, or bad, this has been a necessary step towards the final touches needed.
I bend to tie the shoelaces (no, I am not wearing a dress, because it's a hybrid between a New Year's Eve party and a high-school gathering). Then I smile because fragments of memories wander through my circuits.
I wonder how will everybody be? Will everyone come? I guess by "everyone" I actually mean B..
I'm afraid he will.
I am quite afraid.
I dunno. Maybe because it's been too long since I've seen him. Maybe because it's been quite painful the whole break-up and his pseudo-attempt to re-conciliate with me.
Or, because it was like in those perfect movies: the most popular couple in high-school that everybody thought they'll end up a picture-perfect family printed on the cereal-box? But given to certain circumstances we split up. Now, everyone back home knows our history, and every girl he's met has clashed against my virtual projection next to him...Which is bad for both of them.
But it's been all buried there under a pile of memories, and I just happened to stumble upon these. I tend to "block" undesired thoughts about things that hurt me. I don't know how I can do this, but I can actually "forget" painful things which really did happen.
Sometimes it takes years to remember a "firewall-ed" thought.But when the trigger comes, the whole dam with bad memories spills on my face.
I was almost ready at eight p.m.; I needed only to let my hair loose (being very long, it's difficult wearing it freely around the house, so I tie it in a bun.) and add a little mascara on my eyelashes.
I was betting on the "naturally-beautiful" look tonight, as I know for a fact that all the female-company will go over-the-top in achieving a Barbie-look. I also know that male-company like diversity, ergo, everyone will glimpse at the "effortless-cute" girl that just walked by...
It's all like a game of chess: if you can't anticipate, you won't be able to prepare your defense. I'm not the kind of girl who craves attention; more like the kind who demands it , just by presence: a mix of mystery, respect and deadliness floods the room.
I guess I will always be a threat to whoever will be his next girlfriend/wife. Because, 'round here, the world is a really, really small place. It's like those nasty ghosts that haunt every girl:
the X-girlfriend (thunder&lighting bolts): everything you'll do, she already did it. AND BETTER!
Except that's all in their heads: I am me, this is not a fight for the Queen Bee title and if he hasn't been able to find a new girlfriend, it's not necessarily my fault.
I did not expect the moon and the stars from our party, but I wasn't grumpy for being there, either.
At around half past eight, B. came by my place to pick me up, so we arrived together, giving birth to some question marks above people's heads.Most of the night was spent chatting with former class-,school- and high-school mates.
Laughing, laughing, and laughing some more. Champagne bubbles at midnight, camera flashes and glitter.
It was a blast! I enjoyed every moment of it! B. and I were the last to leave. When we stepped outside, the sun was just about to rise, through the thin, foggy air of a new year's birth.
We had also only 2 cigarettes left.
- Oh, crap! We don't have any smokes left..
With a sad note in my voice, I told him we couldn't find any at that time & date.
- Don't worry, we'll make detour while we walk home, but you'll have to clench your teeth because it's very cold...
He said with a little smile.
- I'll try not to "quick-freeze", I answered giggling.
And our foot-steps uncovered their well-known traces, since back when we used to do the same, as the parties we had attended, reached their end.
The same streets, the same houses and us two-not quite the same.
I don't remember when, or through which circumstances, my right hand clasped his arm. Maybe a reflex gesture. It was so cold, and I woke up with my hand in his, both of them in his pocket...
My fingers were burning now. Or, perhaps I was burning, but admitting it, was worse than a slow, painful death.
We continued our little journey through the sugary snow. We talked about things as if time had never passed between us.
It was like a magic spell was cast upon us, making us forget that five years ago we already chose our separate ways. As in The Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Even though we almost forgot, we ended up spiraling around each other again.
We got to my house and we stayed for another 5 minutes, using a last cigarette as excuse. I exhaled my last smoke, squashed the left-over in the snow, and kissed him on his cheeks...
-Well...Goodbye! Sleep tight and see you tomorrow...I quickly whispered preparing to run away faster, because I sensed the pressure filling the dams of my eyes.
-Goodbye...I...I never thought it was going to be like this...I mean, I had a very good night! See you! Call me when you get up...He said, slowly moving away, and I was near the back door from my house.