So, you like to play golf, do you? Are you from some cold as hell place up there in YankeeLand and you're sick as shit of shoveling snow off the driveway every winter? You've worked your blue collar ass off all your life, and now you just want to lay back and play some golf and (hopefully) drop dead on the fifteenth green after sinking an eagle putt? You do NOT want to drop dead shoveling that damn snow one winter when you're 72 years old, do you?

However, there is this one little problem: You didn't manage to save as much money as your doctor or your lawyer over the years and you find yourself short of the funds needed to retire to Palm Springs or Sun City? Well, what do you expect? What would you have charged someone to shine a light into an old fermented asshole like yours? Or to defend you against that paternity suit with the babysitter? Those guys deserve the best. You, unfortunately, do not.

But all is not lost, my blue collar friend. There are places for folks such as yourself, and I've got some property in one such place that I'll sell you right now for one bogey-free hell of a discount. It's an acre and a half of buildable real estate in God's Country. And, just to add that touch of class, you will be only an hour's drive from President William Jefferson Clinton's Presidential Library! That's right: Complete with quarter booths!

In your little piece of Heaven, you will have access to seven championship 18-hole golf courses and one 18-hole executive course (for those last couple of years when you can't hit it out of your own shadow).

All courses are named for some famous Spanish explorer, such as Cortez or Ponce de Leon, and you will find yourself living on a street with a Spanish name, such as the lovely piece of property I currently own on Remolino Lane. Do not worry about having to see actual Spanish-speaking people, however. Hells no. There are gates here; big gates. And you will only be surrounded by Depends-wearing fellow geriatric paleface hackers from such lovely places as Chicago (home of the famous Sarcasmo) and Wisconsin. They will all have worked their asses off at blue collar jobs, just like you, and they will all be able to hit as many balls out of bounds as they can cram into their K-Mart golf bag. You might even win that famous nickel bet made famous by these lush links.

Send all serious requests to me. I'm in the EMAR. Opening bids start at $500.

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