John Cameron Mitchell, the writer, director and lead actor of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, has come to visit us at our house and talk to us. Unfortunately Lindsay and I are living with my mother and sister so I have to wait until really late at night to get some time alone with John to talk to him about things. I can't really remember what I wanted to talk to him about, I just had this feeling from seeing the film that he was a very interesting person so that's probably why he popped up in my dream.

We're talking in the living room downstairs, and for some reason he has taken his top off and approaches me from behind. I'm sitting down on a stool, and he leans against me from above, gently, like an enquiry, "Do you want to do this?" I feel kind of attracted to him, but it's mostly just because I like him a lot, and besides in the dream I'm just as in love with Lindsay as in real life, so I just don't move, and he gets the message and walks away again. There's an awkward silence, and then he says,

"I want to know what kind of person you are. Are you aware of what you do? Do you understand the complexity and sensitivity of other living human systems?"

I think for a bit about what he means, and I realize that he thinks I'm toying with him - trying to be all attractive to make him fall for me, and then ignoring him. He thinks I don't believe other people are as real as me. I don't want him to think I'm that manipulative, and I find his question interesting, so I think carefully and start to reply, but then my mother and sister come running down from upstairs.

"Alan, watch out, he's an eighth house sun, he's ruled by Scorpio, he wants to kill you!"

I reassure them that John doesn't want to kill me, and they go back upstairs. Next Lindsay comes down, wondering why I haven't come to bed with her. I tell her that I'm talking with John, and she glares at him suspiciously before going back to bed.

When everyone's gone I say to John, "I wasn't trying to toy with you. I know how people react to me but I wasn't trying to use that to make you like me."

I woke up repeating, "I don't want to toy with you," and the dream must have had some kind of effect on me because I kept thinking about John's question when I was on the bus on the way in to work. My first reaction was to feel guilty - yes, I am a bad person, I was toying with his feelings and trying to manipulate him to like me through sexual attraction, I've done this with many people and they've been really hurt. But I thought about it some more, and I realized that I wasn't lying when I told him I wasn't toying with him. And I realized that I had no reason to feel guilty about people who've accused me of this in the past. It's a game - someone is attracted to you or becomes obsessed with you, and they want you to give them something to make them feel good, like a relationship or sex or whatever they think they want from you. And if you don't give it to them, they get angry with you and call you manipulative or bad, because obviously you did something to make them fall for you. Their obsession gives them a claim over you in their own minds.

I've had people pull this number on me several times, and it has really confused me because my instinctive response has been to blame myself. So John's question is something that many different people have asked me in different ways, because they think I've hurt them or neglected them in some way. They accuse me of not believing, in some way, that other people are important. My mother and sister, friends, ex-girlfriends - many people have accused me of this, just because I won't play their emotional games or pander to their soap opera dramatics.

So I ended up feeling angry with John for pulling the same number on me. Shame I woke up out of the dream before I thought of it that way and could tell him to his face.

First dream of the night

I was in a house I didn't recognize, with people I didn't know but in the dream I seemed to be familiar with both. I believe some sort of fight or violence broke out among the people there, and I managed to step on a very sharp, big knife located on the kitchen floor. I believe I said "shit" or something along the those lines as blood started pouring out of my foot. The knife point was actually facing up from the floor and penetrated my foot like a spike. I didn't initially consider it a huge deal however.

The parents or owners of the house came down the stairs and said I better get some medical attention real fast or I would surely die. This is when the panic set in. I started stumbling around the house, and this is when I distinctly remember physically unpleasant feelings.

  1. My heart was beating so fast and furiously as if it was going to burst (panic attack type symptom)
  2. I felt adrenaline rush through me from head to toe.
  3. I felt like I just downed an entire 5th of vodka, and it just took effect.

I honestly thought I was dying. The medic guy, who I think came to the house started panicking himself and yelled out some commands to somebody. I think I slammed into the wall and tried to tell him the end felt near, but I could only mutter. It felt like I was incapable of breathing, as If I was punched in the gut. I basically forget the rest of this one. All the feelings were very intense and I woke up out of this dream feeling pretty unnerved.

Other dreams of the night

I had two other random dreams which shared a sexual theme. I was with one girl who I sort of dated last year and have hung out with a bit this year who looked absolutely beautiful in the dream. I can only remember that staring at her eyes brought strong feelings of love and desire. The other dream was some girl I have never met in real life who basically jumped on top of me on a couch, started messing around with me, and stopped. She whispered things in my ear that basically taunted me. She appeared real slutty, confident, and easy, but we didn't have sex. Talk about being sexually frustrated lately...

Best Buds

  • After watching a drug-themed film called Blow I dream I too am a drug smuggler. Sitting with friends inside a strange building shaped like a boat, we surmise that there is no good marijuana to be found. Some of my cohorts go off to do a deal and return with a sackful of bulbous buds. However, upon opening it a putrid odor rises from the bag and inside I see a species of plant that is certainly not in the cannabis family. Yet my friends continue to claim it is and begin to smoke the disgusting stuff. I take August aside and suggest we fly to Portland, Oregon to buy a large quantity of super-high-quality cannabis sativa from a connection there. He agrees and shortly thereafter I am walking the streets of Portland. Sun rays setting the falling rain alight make the air itself prismatic. Everything glows rainbow.
(I just ordered a new computer, it is being shipped today)

My new computer arrives in the mail. For some reason, my roommate goes to pick it up from the mail room. I wait in my dorm and soon my roommate arrives with the first package, the monitor. As he leaves to get the other box, I eagerly unpack the monitor.

I am crushed. The monitor has a four inch screen, and there is a Macintosh logo on it. I don't think this is what I ordered. I start to set it up anyway. As I put it on the desk, I get a glimpse of the back side. It is just like the front, screen and all, only the back has buttons that you would normally find on an alarm clock surrounding the screen (FM, AM, snooze, time, alarm, etc.). Worst monitor ever. I think to myself, "Hey, at least it's a flat screen," and finish setting it up as my roommate arrives with the computer.

The rest of the computer inexplicably did not come in a box. My roommate carries the tower by a random cord coming out the back of it and tosses it on the floor. We all find it odd that there is no box. "Whatever." I set everything up, and turn it on.

More dissapointments. There is some kind of alien, Voodoo-WinXP installed that takes an incredibly amount of time to boot up. I feel myself ageing. When it finally starts, I can NOT for the life of me figure out how to change the resolution so my miniscule monitor can handle it.

(Maybe you too have had a dream that parallels some real event so when you wake up you believe for a few minutes that the dream was true. As I woke up, I was quite dissapointed. Then I remembered that it was only a dream, and in reality my new computer WILL rock.)

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