I heard a stand up comedian making fun of the side-effects of medications. He was talking about an off brand that did the same thing as Viagra, when he started naming off side-effects and the last one he read was ANAL SEEPAGE. He cracked a few jokes here, but I can’t remember them. I couldn’t even get past how bad “anal seepage” sounds!
If you think the phrase sounds bad, here’s a working slang definition: “the leakage or unprecedented discharge of rectal fluids often following the consumption of violent foodstuffs or the rammage of objects unto the anal cavity.” (Urban Dictionary) If that one didn’t get you maybe this one will, “The unexpected or unwanted oozing, seeping, or dripping of foul-smelling substances from a tightly clenched anus.” (Urban Dictionary 2) Ok so if you stick stuff up your butt you’re going to have consequences, that’s pretty obvious. But taking a pill? That’s a side-effect you may want to avoid and you may not know it was in fact the cause.
Forms of anal seepage:
The shart: “Gas followed by mass.” A form of anal seepage is the shart, which by definition is a portmanteau - combining of the words “shit” and “fart.” An attempt at releasing some gas in fact releases a little bit more than air. This can be caused by relaxing the anal sphincter. If you have diarrhea and you gamble – you will lose.
Lactose Intolerance: Not completely digesting dairy products means the milk might just slip right out of you.
Fecal incontinence: Okay, so you know you need to have a bowel movement, but on the way there it slips out. You either have no control or only partial control of the release mechanism. There are three types of fecal incontinence:
- Passive incontinence - the involuntary discharge of stool or gas without awareness
- Urge incontinence - the discharge of fecal matter in spite of active attempts to retain bowel contents
- Fecal seepage - the leakage of stool following otherwise normal evacuation.
Pills: Medications that claim they reduce weight, are likely major doses of fat-soluble fiber. They will in fact make you pass the fat straight through the digestive tract without absorbing it. This means you don’t digest it. So similarly to lactose intolerance, you’re taking a pill to cause enzymes to fail to do their job – absorb and digest.
Pruritus ani: This persistent anus itch causes anal seepage.
Laxatives and stool softeners: ”Mineral oil should generally be reserved for only the most serious cases, because its use can result in aspiration or anal seepage in some patients; long-term use can result in vitamin malabsorption.” (Merck) The reason you don’t want to use stool softeners over time is because they cause anal seepage due to “Arachis oil enemas lubricate and soften impacted faeces.” (patient)
Olestra: A fat substitute that in recent studies, the Journal of Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition, that olestra causes not only anal seepage, but also gastrointestinal disease. I suggest you don’t eat “fat free” chips, or “fat free” anything for that matter – thing that replace true fat for unhealthy substitutes. Obviously if something says it is fat free and didn’t replace fat that’s still healthy… But chips, popcorn, butter, etc. that contain fat replacements are just really bad for you.
- I’d also like to note that Britain, Canada, and all the companies that follow their suits, have already banned olestra. It doesn’t surprise me that the FDA lets United States pressures prevent them from increasing the true health of America.
Surgery: To varying results, surgery on the digestive tract but most specifically in the colon, causes it to possibly not work like a new pair of shoes.
Constipation or fecal impaction: Liquid seeps passed the impact and out the anus.
Colon Cancer: Mechanical errors can be attributed to this disease.
Unfortunately for people with anal seepage, you're probably likely to have to use Depends - and change/refresh them a couple times a day.
You can see a few seal-looking animations prance and sing about anal seepage at: http://www.rathergood.com/seepage/ I must warn you though, its quite the… interesting show.