Major American Shooting Wars, 1675-present

King Philip's War (1675-1676)

English settlers from the Massachusetts and Plymouth colonies exterminate the Wampanoag, Narragansett, and Nipmuck Indian tribes.

French and Indian War (1754-1763)

English colonists led by British officers battle the French and their Indian Allies for control of the Ohio River Valley, in an extension of Europe's Seven Years War.

American Revolution (1775-1781)

Incensed by "taxation without representation," English colonists declare independence from Britain and wage a defensive war until the French intervention and British exasperation produce a British surrender.

War of 1812 (1812-1815)

US territorial ambitions in Canada provoke a British invasion. After the British torch Washington DC, a humbled America sues for peace. The war is officially over, but news travels slow so Andrew Jackson keeps fighting and trounces the British at New Orleans. Meanwhile, at the Battle of Baltimore, an inspired Francis Scott Key writes a clunky poem that will one day be set to an old English bar song and become the American national anthem.

Mexican-American War (1846-1848)

President James Polk bullies weak neighbor Mexico into a fighting war it has no hope of winning, resulting in the US acquisition of Texas, California, and New Mexico.

American Civil War (1861-1865)

After years of sectional rivalry between slave and free states, eleven southern states secede from the United States. President Lincoln launches a bloody war to conquer the South and compell it to remain part of the Union. The slaves are incidentally freed in the process.

Spanish-American War (1898)

American economic and humanitarian concerns in Cuba and the explosion of the USS Maine draw the McKinley administration into a lopsided war with the weak and declining Spanish Empire. The US acquires Guam, Puerto Rico, the Philippines, and hegemony over Cuba.

Philippine-American War (1899-1902)

An American army crushes a Philippine independence movement because Americans do not believe Filipinos capable of self-government.

China Relief Expedition (1900)

America joins European imperialist powers to suppress an uprising of starving peasants known as the Boxer Rebellion.

World War I (1917-1918)

A desperate Germany's use of unrestricted submarine warfare to weaken a British blockade draws a reluctant America into its first European land war.

American intervention in Siberia (1918)

Woodrow Wilson sends American troops to Russia. Stated goal: rescue Czechoslovakian soldiers. Unstated goal: overthrow the Bolsheviks.

World War II (1941-1945)

America could not care less about Nazis, fascists, and racist expansionists until the Japanese foolishly attack Pearl Harbor. America gets mad and bombs Germany and Japan to smithereens.

Korean War (1950-present)

A paranoid America believes the USSR is secretly controlling all communists throughout the world. When two-bit North Korean dictator Kim Il Sung invades America's puppet state in South Korea, America decides the Soviets must have planned it and mounts a counter-invasion. When Douglas McArthur moves US troops to close to China's border, the Chinese get worried and drive the Americans back to the original border of South Korea. The war never officially ends, and the American troops are still there today.

Vietnam War (1964-1975)

When the French abandon Indochina, America sends "advisors" to foster a democratic nation in Vietnam. Chinese-backed communists rise up, and the "advisors" grow into an army with guns and tanks and napalm. But when "advisors" start coming home in pine boxes, Americans get mad and start protesting. Finally, they get so mad that they resort to electing Republicans to public office until the "advisors" are recalled. Americans are still mad though, so they treat the "advisors" like crap.

Gulf War (1990-1991)

An unpredictable Iraqi dictator invades a tiny speck of a nation that contains 1/5 of the world's oil. Americans like to drive big cars, and do not wish to stop, so they invade and kick said dictator's troops out, all at the tiny (but stinking rich) speck of a nation's expense. Every car-owning American can now breathe free once more!

Iraq War (2003-???)

President Bush's approval ratings are falling due to a lackluster economy. Knowing that short, victorious wars are both lucrative and popular, Bush starts a second war with Iraq. Some semblance of a pretense is needed, so "weapons of mass destruction" will have to suffice. But at least every car-lacking Iraqi can now breathe free!

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