When the Mormons knocked on my door, rather than push them away and slam the door while screaming, I decided to let them in. Hey, why not? I had a few questions to ask and it's always advantageous to learn about other people's beliefs rather than refuse to acknowledge they exist, right?Of course it is. :)

I offered them a cup of tea, they turned it down. They don't drink tea, coffee or alcohol which, I suppose, is their choice - that was the first thing I learned that day. But not drinking alcohol? How is it a sin to drink alcohol, I asked, when the Lord Jesus Christ himself has the water-into-wine miracle high on his list of popular party tricks?

Ah, they replied, back in those days the wine wasn't like what it is now. In fact, it had very little to no alcohol content in it at all and was, basically, nothing more than fermented grape juice.


This, it hardly needs to be said, hugely diminishes the impressive feat of Jesus' booze-creating skills. And I think I've figured the trick out:

You will need:
A long, flowing white dress with baggy sleeves like Jesus had.
A bottle of ordinary concentrated grape cordial.

What to do:
Before the guests arrive, put on the dress and secrete the bottle of cordial up one of the sleeves. When the booze for your party runs dry, tell your guests to bring forth a jug of water. Then, wave your hands over the jug while carefully unscrewing the top of the cordial bottle, allowing it to flow into the water.

Lo. Now you have wine, just like Jesus used to make. And your party guests will know not from whence it came. If any guests try to say that it's just grape juice, scream "Unbeliever!" at them and persecute them for a few centuries. Only joking. Just give them a look that says "Okay. This secret is between you and me. Look how happy they all are..."

1 Timothy 5:23
"Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities. Or failing that, Ribena will do."

Oneiromancer says: "You might want to point out that water wasn't safe to drink but in the weakest wine the alcohol killed the nasties off."
Impartial says: "If you're pointing out that the wine made the water safe to drink then you'd have to point out that it then did have some appreciable alcohol content."
Rose Thorn says: "Fermented grape juice? What did it ferment to, tea? If fermented, it would have alcohol in it. Also, quite the opposite is true: wine in the time of the romans was incredibly strong, and had to be watered (Unless you were an alchy)."

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